Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[fish2eat]

TEN WAYS IN WHICH WOMEN ARE LIKE FISH

1. Both attracted to shiny objects
2. More fun to catch while drinking
3. Three words: catch and release
4. Both travel in protective groups
5. Bears will eat either of them
6. You must document great catches or no one will believe you -- video preferred
7. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first
8. Neither can operate a vehicle
9. Scales are important to each of them
10. Can hook either with a great line

[tunaman]

LOL I like that one





signed tunaman

[Camo]

The difference between man and woman

[Lone_Wolf]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.

[Lone_Wolf]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Dignity]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant

my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to
the old man and left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

[Dignity]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We walked to school.

When we got in trouble we got a belting and learnt not to do that again.


We rode bikes, walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! < /SPAN>

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

[Dignity]

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, Mama

[Dignity]

>A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
>
>Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
>bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
>
>She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is
>in there already.
>
>The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>
>The man says, "Yes, it is."
>
>Boy - "I have a football."
>
>Man - "That's nice."
>
>Boy - "Want to buy it?"
>
>Man - "No, thanks."
>
>Boy - "My dad's outside."
>
>Man - "OK, how much?"
>
>Boy - "$250"
>
>In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
>in the cupboard together.
>
>Boy - "Dark in here."
>
>Man - "Yes, it is."
>
>Boy - "I have football shoes."
>
>The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>
>Boy - "$750"
>
>Man - "Sold."
>
>A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
>football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
>
>The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and shoes."
>
>Father, "How much did you sell them for?"
>
>Boy -"$1,000."
>
>Father, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is
>way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and
>make you confess."
>
>They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
>confession booth and he closes the door.
>
>The boy says, "Dark in here."
>
>Priest, "Don't start that shit again. You're in my closet now."

[Camo]

Eye test

[tunaman]

very good do you have this problem






signed tunaman

[Lone_Wolf]

John Howard called Peter Costello into his office one day and said, "Peter, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.

"Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."

"Right PM," said Costello.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.

The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted it's tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip.

He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockman came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.

"Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"

[Camo]

very good do you have this problem






signed tunaman

Tunaman, I resent that, and I'd tell you off, if I could only see the keyboad a little better

Camo

[fish2eat]

Never Lie to your Mother

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of
the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how
beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mom had long been
suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and
this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react,
Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Stephanie and I are just roommates."


About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do
you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her a e-mail
just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying
That you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle
by now.
Love, Mom

[Camo]

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a double whisky. The barman can't help but notice that the bloke seems very, very depressed. 'What's wrong?'
'I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend.'
'Oh, you poor bastard,' says the barman. 'Have another one on me.'
As the bloke downs his second drink, the barman asks: 'And what did you do?'
'I walked over to my wife,' the man replies, 'I looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and bugger off.'
'And what about your friend?'
'I walked over to him, looked him straight in the eye and said
"BAD DOG!".


****************
A drunk walks into a crowded pub and takes the last barstool, next to an older woman.
After a while, the woman starts to smell a horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk.
She turns to him and says: 'Excuse me, Mister, but did you just shit yourself?'
The drunk replies: 'Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself.'
The woman says: 'Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?'
The drunk says: 'Cos I'm not finished yet.’