Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Lone_Wolf]

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

The big woman replies: Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5, weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?

The guy thinks about it a second and says: No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times.

[Dignity]

Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the " R" ! , we missed the " R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEB RATE !!! "

[Dignity]

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl who was so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the Dr.slapped my Mother.

I went to see my Dr. . . Dr. Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said yes. He said well, you got it again.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging past, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit of the Loom guys giggling.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

[Darryl]

God works in mysterious ways.....

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of

them is hurt.



God works in mysterious ways.



After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a

man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that

we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the

rest of our days".



Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,

this must be a sign from God!"



The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and

see where the evening leads."



Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in

agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it

back to the woman.



The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on,

and hands it back to the man.



The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"



The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police....



MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them...

[PADDLES]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding
a 10c peice. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts
panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the money, which the woman deftly catches
in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, ........ "Divorce attorney"

[Fishin_Dan]

Found it!!!!

[reelcrazy]

Labor Day Funnies...

Happy Labor Day! For those of you with gainful employment, we hope you enjoy
a well deserved day off! For those of you still looking for that perfect
job, rest assured that many others before you have had similarly difficult
job searches! Take my job history for example...
1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned:
couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.
3. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly because it was a so-so job.
4. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
5. I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

6. Then I tried teaching but I couldn't make the grade.

7. I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone's problems drove me
crazy.

8. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

9. Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life
but I just didn't have the thyme.

10. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.

11. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

12. I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

13. I worked a long time as a doctor. I gave it my best shot, but I didn't
have enough patients.

14. Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.

15.The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep
going, and going, and going...

16. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.

17. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

18. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but
the work was just too draining.

19. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't
up to it.

20. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

21. Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my
type of work.

22. My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat
race.

23. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking even thought it kind of turned me on.

24. I was a gardener for a while, but I didn't grow with the job even though
I was raking in the money.

25. My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought
I was a big joke.

26. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.

27. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.

[Dignity]

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's tessticles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.
He wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we took first and second place!"

[charleville]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-wUgnyGv0

[fish2eat]

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating! In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and
the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours
listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a
good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife
treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

[garpe]

Never Argue with a Woman



One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.


"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .

[rowdycowdy]

check this out, you wont be dissapionted

www.pocketmovies.net/detail_91.html

download and follow the insturctions

[Poodroo]

Lol.. very funny. I added it to my extensive list of funny clips. Thanks for sharing.

Poodroo

[Bundy_Burp]

That bear has got some pretty fancy foot work and so has the guy from john west

Bundy

[aussiefool]

Some times things are just too good to believe

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...79258378&hl=en

enjoy