Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Slient]

Prime Minister John Howard, Federal Treasurer Peter Costello, and
Industrial Relations minister Kevin Andrews are flying on the
Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra.

Howard turns to Costello and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw
a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Costello shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out
the window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, Andrews says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."


The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Arrogant pricks
back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and
make millions of people happy."

[Punkin]

Gee I hope the female boffins never get this working

We'll fix em if they do

[mitch_05]

another version for men

[Cruiser]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit..."

[Slient]

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's
10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and
two claimed that he was still there.

[Dignity]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something
> more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the side walk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Dignity]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason.

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!]

9 million are retired.

That leaves 11 million to do the work.

There are 7 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2 million to do the work.

0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied with finding Osama bin Laden, which leaves 1.5 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 1 million people who work for state and local Governments and that leaves 500,000 people to do the work.

At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000 people to do the work.

Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your arse, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

[FNQCairns]

ARL stands for Australian Rugby League and AFL stands for Australian Football League








Does the following apply to the








ARL OR AFL?








36
have been accused of spousal abuse




7
have been arrested for fraud

19
have been accused of writing bad checks



117
have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses








3
have done time for assault
71,
repeat
71 cannot
get a credit card due to bad credit

14
have been arrested on drug-related charges

8
have been arrested for shoplifting
21
currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and
84
have been arrested for drunk driving
in
the last year



Can
you guess which organization this is?


Give
up yet? . . . Scroll down,







Neither,
it's the 535 members of the AUSTRALIAN PARLIAMENT IN CANBERRA


The
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.














You
gotta pass this one on!

[Poodroo]

Love all the jokes guys and gals. Hope you like mine.



A British Airways passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so,
if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

[snappa]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths , you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 !

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[bungie]

FNQCairns

Thats actually about the US congress

[mowerman]

STATISTICS


Doctors:
(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%.
Statistics: courtesy of the U.S.Dept of Health & Human Services

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (yes! that's 80 million).
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%.
Statistics: courtesy of the FBI

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention............

[Poodroo]

I'm thinking that someone is going to print all these out and turn it into a best selling joke book and become rich

Poodroo

[aussiefool]

yet an other reason to go fishing with beer

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/24795/...ing_with_beer/

[FNQCairns]

Bungie - oops! no matter probably works here from what I see/hear .

cheers fnq