Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[fish2eat]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
Plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of
the
Bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the
pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20
Bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs
Up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field.Each time there's a game, a lot of
Fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and
Stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
Sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the
Way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."

[poncho]

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a beautiful, sexy young woman.
"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!" The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened."
"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you cheating creep."
"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car.
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them. Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair. After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her cheeks, she asked me:
"Sir, do you have anything else your wife doesn't use?"

[stevedemon]

Hi all heres one i received today thought i'd pass it on just to break the B>S Elections

A little girl asked her father,
daddy? DO all fairy tales
begin with,
Once upon a time?
No there is a series of
fairy tales,
that begin with

If Elected I Promise

Keep them clean people remember the juniors

Cheers
Steve

[lippa]

springborg-flegg! theres a joke! beattie theres another.

cheers

lippa

[Dignity]

A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives. However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[fish2eat]

Three surgeons were having a conversation: One of
them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven
fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and eight months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in
field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy
who was high on cocaine and alcohol
rode a horse head-on into a train travelling at 80 miles per hour. All I
had
left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president
of the United States."And that's the truth"

[Camo]

HER STORY
Ed was in an odd mood last night. I thought it might have been because I arrived a bit late at the bar. He didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going. So I thought we should go somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We headed for our favourite restaurant but he was still a bit funny, and I couldn't cheer him up, and I started to wonder whether it was me. So I asked him, and he said no, but I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his flat I said that I loved him and he just put his arm around me and stared out the window. By the time we got to his place I was worried that he was going off me, and I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. So I said that I was going to sleep and after about ten minutes he climbed into bed and we had sex. But he seemed quite bored afterwards. I really wanted to leave. I don't know. I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean do you think he’s met someone else.

HIS STORY
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

[PADDLES]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and Plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so For his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings Over a XXXX. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink XXXX?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a XXXX At the end of the 1st nine, honey".

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
Starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey. Want your usual
Table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, He jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper Must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,calling him every 4 letter Word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch This time."

[Camo]

A blond visits her doctor. She says, “doctor I hurt all over.”
The doctor says, “Really? Can you show me where it hurts?
The blond touched her head, and then said, “If I touch my head it hurts.” She then touched other parts of her body, “If I touch my nose it hurts. If I touch my arm or my leg it hurts. Do you have any idea, what I could be suffering from?”
The doctor replies, “As a mater of fact I do, you have a broken finger.”

[Braddles]

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo please madam so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

[fish2eat]

THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and
plays the Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in
the cold.

THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come Winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed
to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.

A Current Affair shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable
warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed
that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to
suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper
Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel
has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share"
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act,
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are
reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine
for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to
work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can
be socially mobile.

[Slient]

Short video clip tell how to get rid your missus when you're fishing (Not me... )

Have a good laugh

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...1529&q=FISHING

[gogecko]

Theres a few good clips showing up on google now. The one called 'Alvey heavy surf' shows paul burt getting a jewie. Its worth a look.

[themisses]

How is the one a bit further down with the canoe??

[Craigus]

Yeah the canoe one is Good as