Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[philip_thomson]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in Australia......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
4. Only in Australia......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning creatures'.
5. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
6. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

[philip_thomson]

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[philip_thomson]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." now,somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

[Dirty_Mole]

on a friends school bag it says on the label on the back . "if Swallowed,Seek Medical Advice". I mean how the hell are you supposed tho swallow a backpack.

Sam

[philip_thomson]

hah that is so funny. i think you should get a picture of that and post it. i saw on a kids bib food catchy thingy warning the bag is not a toy ??? man some kids must be deprived of quality toys

[woody74]

Allright, there was this old bushy, and he was in the big smoke one day and he got this bad toothache. He went to dentist to see what was wrong. The dentist said " Mate, got to pull one of your wisdom teeth, I'll just get some anesthetic. Old bushy replied, Narr don't worry about that stuff, just pull the bloody thing out. The dentist replied, it will hurt. The old bushy said, I've only felt pain twice in my life mate, just pull it out. So the dentist did. After alot of straining and so-on the tooth was pulled, without the old bushy batting an eyelid. The dentist was stunned, that had to of hurt. Narr replied the bushy , only felt pain twice in my life I told ya. When was the first time? Well I was out bush about fifteen years ago mustering some wild cattle. And I needed to have a crap. So I found a nice tree and squatted down to do my buisness and BANG, got my balls stuck in a rabbit trap. Holy Shit, replied the dentist. That would of hurt. When was the second time? The bushy replied" About five seconds later, when I ran out of chain! [smiley=smartass.gif]

[blaze]

RAFLMAO

[ba229]

what do you get if you cross a mafia hitman with a philosophist?

An offer you can't understand

[Dirty_Mole]

yeah i'll try and get a photo of that bag and post it.

sam

[cHiCo]

Yep ive seen the if swallowed......school bag, one of my friends sister had one, i think she was going to send it to rove.

[zedjack33]

The River
Three women were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first
woman prayed,"God,please give me the strength to cross the river."
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second woman prayed, "God, please give me
strength 'and the tools' to cross the river."
Poof! God gave her a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and she
was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two women, the third woman prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools 'and the intelligence'
to cross the river." Poof! She was turned into a man. He checked the
map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge.

[Dug]

Visual

[DaneCross]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles.

The next day she became his stepmother.

[baldyhead]

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of
them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of
project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a
pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all
last week with a construction crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c**** at Bunnings
ever bring us the f****** gyprock".

[MTpockets]

A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of baloney! Fish can't do that!"

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "Ok. I've GOT to see this!"

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the guy and said, "Well?"…

"Well, What?" the guy responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted...

"Call who back?" The guy asked.

"The FISH!!"…

"What fish?" The guy asked.