Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[harry_h01]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant

Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."


"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.


Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."


"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!

I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"


The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[fish2eat]

Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2056...

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2057.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!

Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine

[gogecko]

Whats the difference between cinderella and a kiwi football player?

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At least cinderella got to the ball!

[vossy]

These jokes are the sort of thing that gets me started in the day
keep it up folks

[dasher]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a
lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and
asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.


I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.


On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you
must be on the 13th hole."


Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round
and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of
the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said
that she was a sales lady and played the course often.


He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?"


"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.


"No, I won't." he replied.


"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."


With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.


"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"


"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
Hemorrhoid Cream, so I'm still a hole behind you."

[Dignity]

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may

benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know!!

[young_mind]

TRUE HAPPEN , One time ME and mate went fishing at Magnetic Island on tinnie. Throw some handlines to get some mackeral we had 4 handline on floor of tinnie keep eye on roll go flink fast as mackeral grab the bait .
Anyway what happen is all set up and enjoyed catching mackeral a while later I was about to have a big pass a wind the boat goes viberator as we feel not see or hear it as we are deaf so my mate were frighten and try to find out which line has pass he grab all his 2 handline but nothing happen and look at me < I was so laughter the way he check out as fast as he feel .
He was so #> but I was #

[fastmantis]

How do u spot a blind man at a nudist beach
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Its not up

[fastmantis]

Three men an Irish, American and a Pom r sentenced to death there r three ways they can go leathel injection, gas chamber and a needle full of aids.
Each way of dying can only be chosen once so they draw straws to see who will get what.
The american gets first choice and says i wanna go easy i'll take the leathel injection so he gets it and dies.
The pom gets next choice he says i don't want a drawn out death i'll have the gas chamber he gets it and dies.
The man says with a grin on his face i guess i'll be having the needle full of aids then so he gets it and starts laughing his irish butt off and the warden says why r u laughing your gonna die u just got injected with a needle full of aids and the irish man replies with its ok i'm wearing a condom!!!!!

[fastmantis]

A blonde and her boyfriend r at home doing a home pregnancy test the blue line comes up and they know its postive. the blonde looks up at her boyfriend and asks is it mine!!!!!

[HBK]

Q. what's brown and sticky....
A. a stick

[Dignity]

People spend a lot of time thinking up their children's names. It's just a pity they don't always think as hard about their domain names.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com


Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net


Need a therapist? Try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com


Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com


And there is an Italian Power company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

[Splitpin]

Gidday Nugget
I must be thick or something
I dont get it ????????

[PADDLES]

there was this black fella and he just couldn't stop jogging everywhere, he'd never walk he'd always canter along. even when he was trying to sleep his legs would be moving up and down like he was jogging. eventually he got sick of it all and decided to visit a doctor to see whether he could get something done about it. he explained his situation to the doctor and all the while his legs were wiggling around like he was jogging down the street, they just wouldn't stop. the doctor gets some white powder out of a box and starts to cut up a few lines on the table with a razor blade. the black fella starts stammering "nah ........ no way doc, i don't do drugs alright" and the doc urges him to give it a go anyway. eventually the black fella snorts up one of the lines and his left leg stops jiggling, he is stunned and quickly snorts up another line of powder. his right leg stops moving too. astonished hehits the doctor up to find out what the miracle medicine is ........................ "it's omo-matic, it stops the colours running" replies the doc.

[Cruiser]

A bit of Aussie culcha - Outback microsoft lessons...


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.

BYTE: What mozzies do.

MEGABYTE: What Cairns mozzies do.

CHIP: A bar snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.