Three Horse...
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.
FOR EXAMPLE .
1. FREEZER BAGS:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE RIGHT
THROUGH THEM.
2. COPIERS:
THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM THEM
UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT BUTTONS
ARE PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE PUSHED.
3. TYRES:
THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE IT GOES BALD AND ITS OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.
4. HOT AIR BALLOON:
MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER
IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.
5. SPONGES:
FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.
6. WEB PAGE:
FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.
7. SUBWAY:
MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.
8. HOURGLASS:
FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.
9. HAMMER:
MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT IT'S
HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.
10. REMOTE CONTROL:
FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE. BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT GIVES A
MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE DOESN'T ALWAYS
KNOW THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.
Mitch
Go the Cowboys in 2006
Drink Driving...brilliant!!
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar
So intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the
man managed to find his car which he fell into.He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car,switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then
switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
Mitch
Go the Cowboys in 2005
One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing.
They also need a good service every now and then [smiley=2thumbsup.gif]Originally Posted by Redspeckle
Excellent
Guys Camping
One for the Irish on St Patricks Day
By what name do you call an Irishman that spends his life outdoors.
Pat'y O'Furniture
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting:
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a
shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.
These jokes are hardly foul Joe, just don't read them if they offend you. I think the submitters do a good job of keeping the blue content down. TV has worse language (vocal and body) than is being alluded to here.
Laughter is the best medicine, after fishing. Don't steal our meds Joe. Society has lost many of the freedoms we once thought to be normal. Let's not find new ways to be killjoys, the do gooders are doing just fine.
I dont know where you are coming from
wetaline
that quote from joe was on 30-07 2004 thats a long time ago, doubt you was even a member then
why drag up a quote so old
cheers
blaze
Email FW: warnings:
Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit
that this one is important. Please protect everyone you know by
sending this to your entire email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a
survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.
This is a scam. They only want to see your bum.
I wish I'd got this yesterday, I feel so stupid -- and cheap.
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