Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Commodore]

NEW TAFE COURSES FOR WOMEN – FIRST IN BEST DRESSED!
POSITIONS ARE FILLING FAST
ENROLMENTS CLOSE END OF MAY 2006!

Many women think that they already know everything, but wait new training courses are now available in 2006 for women on the following subjects:

Coursers Available Over View

1. Silence, the Final Frontier : Where No Women Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking : Making Deposits

3. Parties : Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management : Minor Household Chores Can wait until after the game

5. Bathroom Etiquette 1 : Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette 2 : His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills 1 : Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills 2 : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills 3 : Getting What You want Without Nagging

10. Driving A Car Safely : A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills : How To Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking : Using Mirrors to see, Not to Apply Makeup

13. Advanced Parking : Backing into a Space

14. Water Retention : Fact or Fat

15. Cooking 1 : Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking 2 : Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption

17. Cooking 3 : How not to Inflict your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments : Accepting them Gracefully

19. PMS : Your Problem………Not His

20. Dancing : Why Men Don’t Like To

21. Classic Clothing : Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust : A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating your Laundry : Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Petrol : Your car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes : For Men Only

26. Getting ready To Go Out : Starting the Day Before

[HarryO]

Who's the only 120kg person ever to ride a
English Derby cup winner??

Lester Piggot's cell mate.

[HarryO]

If 10% of fatal road accidents are caused by drunk drivers,
does that mean the other 90% are caused by sober drivers....

Does that means if we all drink & drive, we'd all be a lot
safer ?...

[Mad-One]

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. '

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[fish2eat]

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[fish2eat]

Retire Aged Personnel Early

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for the Department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel.

Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to accept early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect immediately. The programme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for other employment outside the company. Provided they are being R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If any employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan. any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company

[fish2eat]

Henry took his fishing very seriously. One day his young son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.

"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."

[fish2eat]

A Fishermans Philosophy

A sure way to get a bite on a slow day is:
Talk about changing spots
Prepare another rod while one is out
Lay your rod down unsecured
Start to pull the boat anchor
Use the worst lure you own
Crack open your first beer
Crack open your last beer
Take notice of the chick on a passing boat, bank or beach
Watch others fishing
Start reeling in your lines at going home time
Give your fishing rod to a female companion or child to hold
When your landing net is out of reach
When you have cast your line over an obstruction
When you line has drifted into impossible weeds
When you turn to look at the sunrise or sunset
Decide that you need to take a leak

[HarryO]

cracking open the thermos ALWAYS works for me!

[Fishin_Dan]

[b]
Decide that you need to take a leak

I tested out a theory one night of watching the rod while taking a leak to see if it would go off... Seems watching the rod is the more powerful of the 2!

[fish2eat]

A Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special lake off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the ranger jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The ranger was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the ranger finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the ranger gasped.
“Here it is sir” said the boy
The ranger was amazed and told the boy he was dumb for running away when he had a valid licence.
“but my mate back at the lake doesn’t” said the boy

[fish2eat]

THE FISHING PRIEST


The priest was a fisherman, but he hadn't fished in months. One perfect Sunday morning he couldn't resist. He called up the Bishop and claimed he had laryngitis. The priest then headed out to his favorite spot.
The hook hadn't been in the water five minutes before he got a strike, and landed the biggest fish he had ever caught - although he had seen bigger ones., A half hour* later, he caught the biggest fish he had ever seen. Another forty-five minutes later he landed a fish that broke the world record.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching the priest from heaven. St. Peter turned to God, and said, "How can you reward this priest? He lied. He let down his congregation."

God smiles at St. Peter, and replies, "I'm punishing him."

St. Peter is confused, so God continues, "Well, after he finishes, who can he tell his story to?"

[fish2eat]

The manager of a small business and his secretary decided to go over to her place for some "gymnastics". Afterwards, they both fall asleep

When the manager wakes up and looks at his watch, he discovers that it is after 8 o'clock in the evening.

He jumps up in a panic wondering what he's going to say to his wife. He tells the secretary to quickly take his shoes out into the yard and rub them around in some sand. Then he finishes dressing and goes home.

When the man opens the door to the house, his wife is standing in the doorway fuming and asks him where the hell he's been until 8:30 in the evening?

The man calmly replies that he and his secretary are having an affair and that they had fallen asleep after going to her place this afternoon.

His wife looked at him very carefully and when she saw the state of his shoes, she exclaimed: "You liar, you've been FISHING!"

[fish2eat]

How to Know you are Serious Fisho


1) You have a Berkley Gulp dangling from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a
good air freshener.
2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your boat.
3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
5) You keep an ugly stick by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
6) You name your black labrador "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
7) BCF has a private line just for you.
8) You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
9) You have a photo of your 20kg Jewfish on your desk at work instead of your family.
10) You consider Fourex and Jatz a complete meal.
11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Closed.
14) Your boat trailer needs new tyres so you just "borrow" the ones off your wife’s car.
15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your boat will fit in the garage.
16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone

[MulletMan]

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on
a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."