Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[BrianC]

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For
example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,
masculine features.

When she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump up his arse.

[HarryO]

Why did the chicken go to the seance?

To get to "the other side"




Hear about the bloke who wouldn't pay the excorcist?

He got repossesed....

[fish2eat]

These are things lawyers and witnesses actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.
__________________________________

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
_____________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[fish2eat]

You think you're having a bad day?


A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen.
While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear.
The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst
through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door.
She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large
hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and
escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up
the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle.
He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while
attending to his business.
About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself.
She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher
and dumping the husband out.
He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

[fish2eat]

STILL having a bad day??
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the
bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

[HarryO]

Hear about the bisexual donkey?

He'd have a hee in the morning, and a haw at night.

Why does mike tyson cry when he makes love?

Mace will do that.

Know Mike Tysons Email address?

Slash,slash, backslash,escape...

When does Micheal Jackson go to bed?

When the big hand meets the little hand.

You know the group "Boys to Men"?

Michael Jackson thought that was a
home delivery service...

[fish2eat]

Did I read that sign right?

In an office toilet OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ONTHE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES

[DaneCross]

Notes From Thoughtful Doug

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Doug ...

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susan. When I
took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a
full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we
needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the BR club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door .

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two
or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Susan. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if
you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other ...

Signed,

Doug

EDITOR'S NOTE: Doug died suddenly Thursday 26 of May 2005. He was
found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf
club) rammed up his arse, with only 2 inches of grip showing . His wife
Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he
accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

[fish2eat]

whats biting?

[szopen]

At 16:00 frog wearing working clothes smeared with paint, plaster and cement walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
One of the guys sitting there thinks that this would be an excellent act for his friend circus director, so the nest day he brings his friend to the bar.
At precisly the same time the same frog in dirty working clothes comes in and asks for a beer.
Circus director comes over and offers frog a job in circus.
Frog: Let me get it straight a job in circus?
Director: Yes.
F: Circus is a big tent?
D: Yes.
F: Steel structure?
D: Yes.
F: Wooden benches?
D: Yes.
F: What the hell do you need a bricke for?

[juicyfruit]

With the awesome power of Ausfish locating Bazil Noonan, I was wondering if the same power could be used in locating this Baz

http://www.cane-toad.com/movie.php

[Hoges]

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students
celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. Tell me
Patrick what do you do at Christmas time? she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers
and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home
very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our
stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas
to come with all our toys.

Very nice Patrick, she said. Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at
Christmas?

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad
and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk
by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting
for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to Leave
him out of the discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do
at Christmas?

Isaac said, Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from
the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin
to sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas.

[dasher]

Now that's sad.

[fish2eat]

Q. Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.

Q. Do you know why Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!

Q. What does K-Mart, Target and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

Q. What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.

[fish2eat]

SECRET CAT DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.