what are mates for ...
try this one
http://www.ausfish.com.au/cgi-ausfis...num=1134874184
dont know this guy from a bar of soap - picked up a few details from his previos posts- should get him thinking
anyone else want to join in??
maybe u have some advice on the block & tackle or some other words of wisdom
Rip
Haines Hunter 650 'Horizon' 200 4st Johnson (aka Suk DF200) call sign "Dozer" or "Uripper"
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
BUTCH THE ROOSTER
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job
was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could
tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on
the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the
bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch
became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not
only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Liberal in the making. Who else but a Liberal could
figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet
by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when
they weren't paying attention.
While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ##### covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your #####."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his ##### and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my #####!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks.
Faw off by itself! You save money".
My grandfather always complains that the living costs are too high nowadays:
- When I was a a little boy my mother used to give me 5 dolars and send me shopping, I could always come home with a full bag of groceries, bread, cheese, milk, ham, tomatos...
And now? .... Everywhere mirrors, cameras....
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall???
"Dam!"
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.
Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
I don't have a joke to add just yet but hey.......this is one of my favourite threads and it slipped down to PAGE 7 !!!!!
C'mon guys, did we all lose our sense of humour over Christmas???
Lets this topic rockin again
I was thinking about this thread as well.
Here is a joke.
Lion King has decided to build a clubhouse for the animals so thay will have a nice place to hang out.
Very soon he has realized that this will require a lot of applications, permits and approvals.
Somebody had to go to the government offices and get it done so he called a meeting of all animals to choose the right representative. After a brief discussion they decided to send the bear as he is big, strong and very respected.
So bear went there. After 8 hours he comes back and Lion King asks him if everything has been done, bear says he got nothing done.
- What? You so strong, big and respected and nothing???
Than they decided to send the fox as he is smart and cunning.
After the whole day the fox is back with nothing done either.
Than they have chosen a squirel as she is pretty, delicate and very fast.
She got back with the same result as others.
Lion King has run out of ideas so he asked if there are any volunters.
When donkey stepped out everybody started laughing:
You donkey? But you are stupid, slow and useless...
Well the donkey was stubborn and actually went to try.
After 2 hours he comes back with a big smile and says that everything is done, he has all the required papers.
Everybody is shocked. Lion King asks:
- How did you do this?
Donkey:
- No problem, every door I open I found a relative of mine...
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side;
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him -
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something VERY special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.......
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it!"
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque -
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good -so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very perplexed and disappointed jeweler phoned the old man;
"There's no money in that account sir?."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had ?"
The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like hell."
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup?"
"Well, no, not quite" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............
was this your christmas????
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