I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
I love the sound of reels screaming in the morning
Amazing Dog
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for
Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do," the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and
was awarded medals for my work.
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day,
the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that
something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all
these lip prints were causing a major problem for the cleaner who had
to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she
asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.Since then, there have been
no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
For those who have come across irate customers!
The customer is always right.......NOT!!!
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 707s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal ³We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said. "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too ".
An irate customer that won.
A middle aged woman went to a Myer service counter and tells the
clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on
'special'.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts
screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a
growing crowd of customers.
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't
give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman
throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES!
PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager
pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
OLD BOAT STORY
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for john and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.
The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right Up the middle......."
The old woman fainted.
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED! HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED... "I REMEMBER."
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about
to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the
edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe
in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care
of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in
Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a
routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the
captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away "she explained
"I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said, "this is the Manly Ferry."
(PS: Manly is a half hour ferry ride from Circular Quay)
Bloody Sailors...you just can't trust them!!!
A man goes to a zoo. When he arrives, there is only 1 animal. It was a shitzu.
Lawyer asks his client:
- So why do you want to divorce your wife?
- She spend every evening in pubs.
- Drinking?
- No, following me.
Doctor tells his patient:
- Your heart is in terrible shape. You can not smoke, can not drink alcohol or caffe. You can eat only raw vegies, no meat, no fats, no carbohydrates. You must stop all sexual activities.
And most important thing is: more joy in life, more joy my dear...
Please swim between the flags.
When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find
out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.
The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or
putting it another way..... Who's yo Daddy!
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone
number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the
same to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borne at the same time....well I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Priest was seated next to a Queenslander on a flight to Canberra
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Queenslander asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Queenslander then handed his drink back to the attendant and said
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
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