Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[George_Sackin]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch ...
... when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin lady. "I want to be in the Bahamas, in my own luxury yacht, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Fiji, relaxing on the porch of my beach-side mansion with my personal masseuse, with an endless supply of beer." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

[Hoges]

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

If you rearrange the letters in Chuck Norris it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing off people one by one.

There is no "I" in team. There is one "I" in Chuck Norris. **** you, team.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris was the hunter who shot Bambi's mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

Chuck Norris's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Chuck Norris created Scientology as an April Fool's joke one year. To his dismay, no one has gotten it.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

[megafish71]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's p a n t i e s. St. Peter looked at the
man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins.

[Commodore]

From a mag 50yrs ago, how things have changed.

[matthill80]

LMFAO i will be showing that to the wife ahahahahaha

top stuff chong


cheers matt

[juicyfruit]

*awaits the article on 'the good husband's guide*

and who did all the hightlighting?

Good laugh

Juicy

[dasher]

*awaits the article on 'the good husband's guide*

and who did all the hightlighting?

Good laugh

Juicy

Just for you Juicy.

[Fishin_Dan]

That's gold dasher!

[Volvo]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, " Hey,boss I not come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work. " The boss says,"You know Hung Chow, I really need you
today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung
Chow calls again:" Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work
soon.
You got nice house."

[Volvo]

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Volvo]

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast.
"Oh, sh!t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!!
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran
upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f*cking CocoPops."

[Volvo]

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet" she replied.

[dasher]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

[dasher]

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but









I can't get my wife to go swimming.
>

[dasher]

This one is for all my friends at PETA.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?