Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Fishin_Dan]

THE BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water wouldn't fit into
the little packet.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with
a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained
to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their
locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the
top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C"

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1
hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone
button.

[Fishin_Dan]

There's now a letter for woman to break up with men....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Tick those that apply...



__Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

__Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

__You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__Your constant e-mailing (And/Or posting on Ausfish!) shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

__Your legs are skinnier than mine.

__You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

__I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

__You still live with your parents.

__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Alien uniforms a little disconcerting.

__Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

__Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

__I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely,

_____________________

[Fishin_Dan]

The Bird Flu has now been found in America!!!

[dasher]

Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married.
So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment
to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60
bucks a month. That should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, I have to admit, we've been lucky so far."

[Duyz72]

One of a few I saw on the net

[Duyz72]

Another reason why we should all buy a boat!

[Fishin_Dan]

[harry_h01]

Santa's Favorite Jokes.......

Santa loves a good joke. He must -- he tells the same ones over and over
again, time after time! Here are some of his favorites:

I just got back from my yearly flight around the world. Boy, are my arms
tired!...After I left home, I wrote my mother that I'd grown another foot.
So she knit me another sock.

Let me tell you about the Ice Nymphs. Once three nymphs were sleeping in
the same bed. It was so crowded that one got out and slept on the floor.
After a while, one of the Nymphs said to the one on the floor, "You ought
to get back in the bed with us. There's lots more room now!"... Once the
Nymphs were out playing football. One of the players asked the coach to
flood the field so he could go in as a sub.

Then there are the elves. One of the elves is great at magic. He walked
around the corner and turned into an outhouse....One elf snored so loud he
woke himself up. But then he solved the problem -- he started sleeping in
the next room....Everyone knows the elves are famous for the baths they take
each year. But perhaps you don't know what the first elf in the tub is
called -- he's the ringleader.....We've got one elf who just hates to take
baths. Once he got so dirty that when he finally took a bath he found some
underwear he thought he'd lost three years before.

With all my expertise over the years I've learned some interesting things.
For instance, if a bee and a doorbell get married, what kind of children
to you think they'll have? Humdingers!....And I've learned why penguins
cross the road only halfway -- they like to lay it on the line.....I deliver
toys to a boy who parts his hair from ear to ear. Its a real problem --
people keep whispering in his nose!

People always have questions about my reindeer. For instance, they want
to know why reindeer wear bells. I tell them it's because their horns
don't work.....Or they ask, "How much reindeer feed do you get for a
quarter?" My answer: "None. Quarters don't eat reindeer feed!"

[Duyz72]

Even lions have marriage blues!!!!

[HAMMER740]

"Quantas Problem Solving"

After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the
aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense
of
humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S:Almost replaced left inside main tire

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on
this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget!!!!!!!

[Owen]

[pre]SUBJECT: Important Info About Upgrading Software

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Yet another reason for never buying a 'X.0' release of anything.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 12.4 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He also noticed that Wife 1.0 is spawning Child-Processes,
which further consume valuable resources. No mention of this particular
phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation,
though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to
the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched
at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as , FishingWeekend 2.0, PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.2 are no longer able to run in the system at all,
crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine
before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta
release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 1.1:

A "Don't remind me again" button Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 1.1 to be uninstalled at any
time without the loss of cache and other system resources
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow
the system hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0
by sticking with GirlFriend 2.7. Even here, however, I found many problems:

Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.7 on top of GirlFriend 1.5.
You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.5 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Apparently different versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared
use of the I/O port. Simultaneous use almost never works. To make matters
worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.5 doesn't work very well,
leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. All versions of
GirlFriend continually popup little annoying messages about the
advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bug Warning

If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
deletes all MS Money files and performs an auto-uninstall. Reports have
been filed regarding this feature, but at this time there is no known
solution.
After Wife 1.0 performs an uninstall, Mistress 1.1 may now refuse to
install, claiming insufficient system resources.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bug Work-Arounds

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 at a different
location and never run any file transfer application such as Laplink 6.0.

Mistress 1.1 should be considered shareware. Shareware applications have
been known to carry viruses that may also infect you and the Wife 1.0.
Care should be taken when using shareware

[/pre]

cheers,
Owen

[agnes_jill]

The Modern Noah

In the year 2005 the Lord came to Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, "Once again , the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. You need to build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark? "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go the the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they wouldn't listen.

Then I had problems getting the wood. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save an endangered species, the spotted quoll. I tried to convince PETA that I needed the wood to save the quolls- but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, PETA sued me for confining wild animals against their will. They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the local council ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many indigenous people I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Immigration Department is checking the status of most of the people who want to work and I've even had a letter from the government asking about my ethnic background!

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Taxation department has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord but it would take a least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."

[harry_h01]

Santa's Bad Day
The Birth of a Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[harry_h01]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA -
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER-
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY-
The Twelve Days of Christmas
(don't make me repeat that again)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE -
Silent Night

[webby]

A man escapes from prison, he breaks into a house looking for money and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He then ties the girl to the bed and gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck and gets off and goes into the bathroom.
While in the bathroom the husband tells the wife, "listen this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes, he probable spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed you, if he wants sex dont resist and do what ever he tells you, or we will both find ourselves being killed"
"I Love You", to which the wife responds, "he wasnt kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear, he told me he was gay, though you were cute and asked if we had any vaseline.. I told him it was in the bathroom, Be strong Honey I Love you too"