Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[szopen]

In a bar a boy met a girl, they had a few drinks, talked a bit, than he proposed going over to his place and she agreed.

At his home they had a few more drinks, he put on some nice music, worked up his courage and asked: why don't we jump in the bed?

Girl answered: Maybe it will sound very strange but I have a principle in life I don't want to break. I want to keep my virginty until I meet a man I can really love. But I have to be convinced that I truely love him and I he is right for me.

Boy was a bit disappointed but tried to stay cool: That's OK, no problem. I just think that at this times it is very hard to live with such principle.

Girl: Well it is not that hard for me, but my husband is pretty ticked off about this.

[szopen]

Little Jonny looks at his mother's fur coat and says:
- How much this poor animal had to suffer so you can have a coat like this...
Mother:
- I forbid you to talk about your father like this...

[Hoges]

>
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner, he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness ey".

"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[zedjack33]

I'm getting a bit tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality?
> > > >
So, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
> > > >
1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
> > > >
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
> > > >
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
> > > >
4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.
> > > >
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
> > > >
6. When you are confused - I will use only little words.
> > > >
When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever
you have.
> > > >
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.
> > > >
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why you may ask? Because you are my friend.
> > > >
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

[harry_h01]

40 Things That Only Happen In Movies

1. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
2. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.
3. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.
4. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).
5. All single women have a cat.
6. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).
7. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.
8. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).
9. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
10. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).
11. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.
12. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
13. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
14. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).
15. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.
16. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.
17. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
18. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
19. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.
20. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
21. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.
22. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.
23. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.
24. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.
25. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
26. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .
27. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).
29. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.
30. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.
31. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.
32. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.
33. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.
34. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
35. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
36. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).
37. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
38. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.
39. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
40. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

[DaneCross]

A husband arrived home from work one evening and found the following note.

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the footy.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Australia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fullfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[slacky]

A man rings home,and a young voice answers,hello.The man said,go and get your mother.the girl said she is up stairs in the bedroom with uncle Fred.The man replies, we dont have an uncle Fred. yes we do,mummy is upstairs in the bedroom with him.The man told the girl to go upstairs and tell mommy,daddy just drove up the driveway.The girl put the phone down.After a short while she picked up the phone.Did you tell mommy.yes said the girl,and what happened.Mommy jumped up out of bed,tripped on the rug and hit her head on the corner of the bed,and fell to the floor unconscious.What about uncle fred,the man asked.He jumped out the window and landed in the pool,but he must have forgotten you drained the pool last week,and I think he is dead.'POOL'! Is this (07)55637476

[harry_h01]

Kid Friendly Jokes

What do they call a polar bear in the Carribean?
Lost.

Why did the sick wasp cross the road?
To get to the waspital.

What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist?
Tooth Hurty.

Why did the duck cross the road?
The chicken was on vacation.

Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Where do sheep get a hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.

Why do watch dogs run in circles?
To wind themselves up.

How do you make a kleenex dance?
You put a little boogie in it.

What's hiccup's favorite color?
Burple.

What do you call two ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Cause they have big fingers.

What's gray and has a tail and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.

What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bugs Bunny Farts.

A chicken is walking along with a book under it's wing clucking "Book, Book, Book, Book,Book, Book, Book."
The frog says "Readit. Readit."

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?
Jurrassic Pork.

Do you have holes in your underwear? "No."
Well how do you get your feet through?

[philip_thomson]

2 pretzels were walking down the street 1 was assalted

[philip_thomson]

2 blondes walked into a bar. you would have thought the first one would have noticed

[stubi]

I don't have a joke to tell But I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for posting these great jokes. I am in Taiwan at the moment and the Taiwanese humour and jokes just don't rate against our Aussie humour Please keep them coming so that I can stay sane
I don't know what the fishing is like here yet, but if you like fish and seafood it is a great place to visit Seeya
ps, Alex if you are reading this, Elsa and I are engaged now or should that be

[Hoges]

Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can?


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!


Now if we had a spell checker here then the above would certainly give it a hernia. LOL

[philip_thomson]

ah hah hah thats great. i can read

no. 41 for the movie thing

41. every bomb in movies has a manual on how to dismantle it before it detonates and then when the manual can;t be found they always manage to fluke the correct cut

[gotwet]

The Ranch hand


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to
keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided
to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily
agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however,
and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned
around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my
blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now
take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again,
with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire,
he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear
my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[adriancorrea]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of
the men who were dominated by their wives was 1000 miles long, and in
the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was
only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to
be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not
fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your
family. Of all of you, only one obeyed.

Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only
one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."