Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Cape Crusader]

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[Gon Fishun]

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his upset wife.
Tearfully she said, “The chemist insulted me this morning on the
phone. I had to call time and time again before he would even answer
it..”
Straight away, the husband drove to town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told
him, “Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
didn’t go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, only to realise that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and I had to break a window to get my keys.”
“Then, driving too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre.”
“When I finally got to the store a crowd of people were waiting
for me to open. I got the store opened and started serving these
people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing.”
“Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register
drawer to get change, and they went all over the floor. I had to get
on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still
ringing. When got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase displaying perfume bottles. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer.”
“Believe me mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

[Gon Fishun]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, suggesting that I do something useful with my time.
"Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking beer is not a good thing?" I asked.
My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the
Senior Centre and join something.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Dad are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
I calmly replied, "Oh, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be real fun.
Just because you're "young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

[RayLamp]

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "Is that stool taken?"

[RayLamp]

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

[RayLamp]

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up two fingers, “Sir can I have five beers please.”

[RayLamp]

I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.

[RayLamp]

Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?
A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.

[RayLamp]

I used to be addicted to soap. I’m clean now.

[RayLamp]

Q. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A. It’s ok, he woke up.

[Lancair]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
The man responded in a loud voice,“£500 FOR ONE NIGHT? I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her, "I study law and I know how to screw people."

[littlejim]

Here is an oldie:
A ladies’ threesome, a spinster, a matron and young lady about town, is going round the golf course on the heels of a bunch of veterans having their annual Services golf day.
This involves guzzling down a booze drink of some type at each tee, before hitting off.
Just where the course doubles back on itself, one digger can’t hang on any longer and goes up the shrubs that separate the front from the back course, and starts to relieve himself in the bushes.
The ladies hear a stream like noise coming from the shrubs separating the back leg of the course from them, and see a pair of trousered legs and a hand holding a male appendage, from which a stream of urine is pouring.

The spinster says: “Eek! A man! How disgusting!”
The matron says: “It’s not MY husband!”
The YLAT says: “He’s not a member of THIS club!!

[Gon Fishun]

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.

[littlejim]

Not a joke, just a funny real story.

'The padre at RAAF base Amberley usually held a service in a nearby hamlet then returned to base for another service. This particular day his car quit on the return journey so he lifted the bonnet to see if there was an obvious cause. Just then a passing corporal pulled up and asked if he could help? He soon found the trouble and got the engine started, turning to the padre he said that will be $6 thank you, to which the padre replied I don't have any money with me, but if you would care to bring your mother and father to the chapel next Sunday I will marry them for free!'

[Gon Fishun]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered...
Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!"