Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[RayLamp]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here".

[RayLamp]

I work in a library and this guy came up to me and asked, “Do you have a bookmark?”
“Of course,” I replied, indicating the packed shelves, “We have thousands. By the way, my name’s Dave.”

[RayLamp]

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It's shift work.

[RayLamp]

When my Dad broke his wrist, he asked the doctor if he will be able to play the piano. When the doctor said he can he replied "Great, I couldn't play it before".

[RayLamp]

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

[RayLamp]

I got my friend an elephant for his room.


He said thanks.


I said don't mention it.

[RayLamp]

Arguing with my wife is like reading the software licencing agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree".

[RayLamp]

Last year I joined a group for anti-social people.
We haven't met yet.

[RayLamp]

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music", but when I do it, I'm "drunk" and get "kicked out of Bunnings"

[RayLamp]

My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.
He's fully recovered now though.

[RayLamp]

I just got back from the zoo. I saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.

[RayLamp]

Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.

[RayLamp]

My local newspaper is running a competition where you can win a holiday for you and a friend in Dubai. I was going to enter but I don't have any friends in Dubai!

[RayLamp]

In the park today, I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

[RayLamp]

No matter what I do for the kids my wife is always finding fault with me. I bought my 2 year old daughter her very first jigsaw yesterday and as usual the wife went mental. Yelling and screaming something about her being to young for powertools.