Another west aussie shark on a bull bar
Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hilary Clinton's run for President:
"I will not vote for Hilary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth.
As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job,
she outsourced it to me and I simply blew it".
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his cars for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
“Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you should consider selling your cars and your fishing equipment collection.”
Tom gets a horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!”, she screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE
!!!!!!!”
Tom’s reply: “I wasn’t”.
A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer "
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An old lady is asked the secret to a long and healthy life.
"For better digestion I drink beer.
If I have appetite loss I drink white wine.
In case of low blood pressure I drink red wine.
For high blood pressure I drink Scotch.
And when I have a cold I drink schnapps."
"When do you drink water?"
"I've never been that sick."
The Birthday Party
An eye-doctor was having his 40-year birthday and had gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly, the doctor removed the blindfold and looked down on the cake and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes.
Surprised, the guests asked him why he laughed. After some minutes of laughing and wiping his eyes, the doctor finally said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week. He's a gynaecologist."
EMPLOYEE NOTICE
**********************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPEDcan apply to the Government to be considered for theSHAFTprogram (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTEDwill be reviewed under theSCREWprogram (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPEDonce, SHAFTEDtwice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who havebeenRAPEDcould get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDSor HERPESwill not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPEDand are staying on will receive as much SHIT(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHITyou can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Couple of lines from next "Sacha Cohen" film:
"She's the head of the world's biggest crime organisation!"
"?FIFA??"
What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A little get together...
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…
“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No,” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”
“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties, and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.
“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …
“Go look in the garage!”..smile emoticon
What do you call a Kiwi with one short leg?
Not even bro.
Wayno's jocule has reminded me of a shooting trip I went on in '61.
The property owner put us up in the shearers' hut and briefed us on the roos he was happy for us to shoot and the ones to leave alone.
He told us about his recently acquired expensive 'stud' ram. Cost a small fortune, but did nothing for the first couple of weeks.
At week three they started to think he might be 'gay', and consulted the local vet.
The vet gave them some hormone pills to give the ram, and told them to give only one a day, because they were pretty powerful.
After two days of 'one a day' nothing had changed, so they gave him the rest of the packet in one go.
Nothing happened for half a day.
Then he went through the whole flock about three times, started chasing all the female sheep dogs, and, according to the grazier, did all the fence post holes at least once.
Never had a problem with him after that.
50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a - "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" convention.
Helen Clarksays, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis arenot stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer, please?
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and stepsup to the stage. Helen asks him "What uz fufteen plusfufteen?” After 15 or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. All 50,000 Kiwis Startchanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end globalbroadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance.”
So she asks, "What uz siven plus siven?” After nearly 30seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!” Helen is quite perplexed, looks downand just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened.Carlos starts cryingand the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!”
Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says,"Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?” Carlos closes hiseyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!”
Throughout the stadium there is pandemonium. All 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wavetheir arms, stamp their feet and scream "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUMANOTHER CHANCE!"
IF IT CAN'T EAT A WHOLE PILLY I DON'T WANT IT
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