Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Gon Fishun]

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, Western Australia .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his political Green Party policies they turned me down!!"

[Chimo]

Only An Australian Can Make You Feel Like A Woman


A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

[Chimo]

The most logic ever regarding religion!

Born A Lutheran. . . . . .

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his barbeque on the shore of Arthurs Lake and cook a venison steak. All of Ole's neighbours were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over the neighbourhood and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you are a Catholic." Ole's neighbours were relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours and he rushed over to Ole's place clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a rainbow trout."

[wayno60]

A couple of AFP officers stopped at a property west of Canberra and talked to an old Aboriginal standing on the road. He told the old Aboriginal, "Morning sir, I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."
The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he nodded his head towards the location.
The AFP officer verbally exploded & said, "Look sir, I have ...the authority of the federal government with me!". Reaching into his rear back pocket, the AFP officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Aboriginal. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand mate?"
The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the AFP officer running for his life, being chased by a large Bull. With every step the Bull was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old Aboriginal threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOU’RE BADGE! SHOW HIM YOU’RE ####ING BADGE!"

[Chimo]

Perhaps there is some value to prayer?



SAY A PRAYER



Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'




'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

[Chimo]

Stupid Question... Excellent Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian. Now the Govenor General. General Cosgrove was interviewed on TV recently. Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female journalist Leigh Sales and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters. LEIGH SALES: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. LEIGH SALES: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. LEIGH SALES: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. LEIGH SALES: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.God would pay money to have seen her face…

[wayno60]

Ill be seeing Pete tomorrow, if i can ill ask him about it...

[littlejim]

Ill be seeing Pete tomorrow, if i can ill ask him about it...

You'll find the joke was around before he became a general.

[roz]

After a few too many visits to the Local "Pleasure Parlour"
ex Federal Politician Craig Thomson noticed green lumps
on his well worn willy. So off he went to the doctor.

After Careful examination the doctor explained "You know how wrestlers and rugby
union players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" said Craig, nodding seriously.

"Well" said the doctor, "You've got Brothel Sprouts."

[Chimo]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=293803184143474

[Chimo]

[Mervfish]

Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam. My new name is Seldom Bin Laid

[Ausfish]

Golf & Cattle
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

[Chimo]

CROWS KILLED BY VEHICLES ? Crow Kills--Interesting Facts. Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

[littlejim]

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'