Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Rufus]

Retirement is different for everyone.

One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her? Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn? Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.

[kingcray]

Visiting Australia An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few k's further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world. The English tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is this?! A few K's down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone." The barman said, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"

[kingcray]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a small village and sees a local sitting on his verandah, patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi,

'G'day. Mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a !@#$%^& liar!'

[Chimo]

A man in rural Idaho wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.


So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for


"Up North Bear Removers."


He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.


The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.


He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.


"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.


"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."





He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.




"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.


"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

=

[Chimo]

A balding, white haired man from Naples , Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.





He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.






The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'








At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.''








The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'






On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'There's no money in that account.'








'I know,' said the old man,





'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

[Gon Fishun]

Premiernazi..jpg..........

[groverwa]

A blonde fits a cat flap

[groverwa]

Part of my ongoing effort to educate the masses.


You'll love the logic here.




The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
In other words, bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major space shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined more than two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
Now you know: Horses' asses control almost everything .... Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?

[groverwa]

Satnav in & on Auto

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

[groverwa]

A Stable?

When my kids were little, I read
them the nativity story out of the
big family Bible.

When my son was old enough to talk,
he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain
it to him in terms he could understand,
then told him, "It's something like
your sister's room -- but no stereo
or computer."

[sparkyice]

my neighbour was having a hard time getting people to adopt his litter of kittens for free.

"you're going about it all wrong", i explained, "you need to sell them".

"sell them, are you daft? i can't even begin to give the buggers away!"

"you're going about all wrong, Bill. you need to run an ad in the paper advertizing them for sale."

"you're out of your mind!", said Bill.

" no, not at all", i said, "you just need the right sales pitch. here, now, give this a go. you start your ad with 'kittens for sale, $50.00'. "

"nobody will ever bite on that, you lunitic."

"sure they will, Bill. you simply follow up that lead with 'excellent for training Pit Bulls' "

within hours after the ad was placed some poofter from PETA bought up the whole lot, all 9 of the things, and the SPCA wants some, too.

Bill's out looking for more right now, as a matter of fact.

[Lancair]

An RAF Group Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Group Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Wing Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Squadron Leader said it was 50-50%.

A Flight Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Group Captain turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee. What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Group Captain was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.


God Bless the lower ranks.

[wayno60]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
... Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'
Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[Chimo]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..






"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!

[Chimo]

I didn't write it, I s just shares it!

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ......The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'