Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

More on the "You can be dead theme"

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she
looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was. In
a quiet voice he said,
"Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford....?

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

[wayno60]

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

[Chimo]

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.
Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.but in the end we came to the conclusion
the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

[Chimo]

Back to death again, sorry!!


The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties..

"May I help you sir?" she asked ..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied ..

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.


Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.


Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again,


once more demanding to see Valerie.


Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.


There were no discounts..


The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.


Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,


"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.


Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said.


"I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said.


"Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor.


I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person."


The moral of the story:


Three things in life are certain:


1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Chimo]

Message for the holidays (Merry Xmas All)


With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[bugsytwoshoes]

A soldier was running as fast as he could down the street when he noticed a nun standing on the corner. " Please sister, may I hide under your skirt for a minute, I'll explain later?" " Of course my son." Just then two military police came running by. "Sister, have you seen a soldier pass this way?" "He ran that way officers!" A minute later the fugitive emerged from under the nuns dress. "I can't thank you enough sister I'm so grateful.The military police were after me because I don't want to go to Afganistan. Sister if you don't mind me saying you have a magnificent set of legs!" The sister replied,"Well soldier if you had of looked a little higher you would have noticed a magnificent set of testicles, I don't want to go to Afganistan either!"

[Chimo]

Bank Robber

In Brisbane, a hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old BLOKE named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you!!!!

[groverwa]

The Lookout

Two brothers have had trouble getting work. They finally wind up at the docks.

A ships captain agrees to take them on with the proviso that they stay out of
sight of the rest of the crew as much as is possible.
You see one has only one eye, a giant cyclopian eye smack in the middle of his
forehead. So the the captain sends him up to the crow's nest having figured that
this was probably the best place for him.
The second chap was equally unfortunate. He had only one ear, a giant elephant
like ear on his right side. He was sent to swab the decks.

A couple of days out to sea and the bloke in the crow's nest yells out
"Chinese junk off the starboard bow!" The captain and other officers race up on deck
and begin peering through their telescopes but see nothing for about ten minutes.
A black speck appears and finally , after much time, is determined to be a Chinese junk.

The captain is amazed and congratulates the lookout, expressing his admiration for the man's eyesight. The lookout says it had nothing to do with him and his eyesight, he knew it was a Chinese junk because his little brother had heard them talking!!

[Chimo]

The Wonder of it All:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Canberra playing marbles.

[aussiefool]

Men of the World!......BCF Major Score!!!! found a combination Ladies leg hair remover and fish scaler for $5.95 BCF you ROCK!!!

[wayno60]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce...; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

[Gon Fishun]

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

[Chimo]

The Irish Furniture Dealer.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin , decided to expand the line offurniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he couldfind.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected aline that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the newacquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.


As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quitecrowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in thehouse.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came tohis table, askedhim something in French (whichMurphy couldn o t understand), so he motionedto the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.


He tried to speak to herin English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes oftrying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of awine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of winefor her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left thebistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romanticmusic.


They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drewa picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. Theydanced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of afour-poster bed on it.





To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[Chimo]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[Chimo]

These really work!!



Amazingly simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer..

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hi t the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.