Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[groverwa]

A New Bigger and Better Mouse for Women



After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs.
Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem.
Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right'in their hands.
Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women.
Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:
Chantelle from Roodepoort said:-
'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.'
Wendy from Discovery added:-
'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women.
It fits right in with my lifestyle.'
Susan from Pretoria said:-
'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'

[reelcrazy]

All arrivals in Heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry, too.
I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked, hiding in this cedar chest ......."

[groverwa]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,"I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"

The old man said,
"I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

[shaungonemad]

So the joke is you think we care ^.

[Gon Fishun]

ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...

[groverwa]

My living will

[Chimo]

"Without Prejudice"

VERY BRAVEMAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
5 - Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
8 - Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
13 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

[Chimo]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Gon Fishun]

The Indian With One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that
Name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
Cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
Again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called
Him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
Forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
Jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
The forest where he made love to her all day and
All night. He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what
He promised he would do.

Years went by and no
One dared call him by his given name until A woman
Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
Away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
Overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him
And said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
Night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
Her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!








Why ???








OH, come on... Take a guess !!!








Think about it !!!








You're going to love this !!!








Everyone knows.


You can't kill Two Birds


WithOneStone!!!

[Chimo]

How tough are Australian men??

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.



Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.





Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...





Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'





Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp, end I'm still here today'





Colin, the tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his p8n6s.

[Chimo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFq-v7TKdQ

[Gon Fishun]

Subject: Fw: GOLF AND THE COW

















A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle .

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's, well you know.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

[Chimo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GesFxg1R4K0

[wayno60]

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a #fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
.
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
....
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.
.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
.
ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?

[Gon Fishun]

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ....."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE .. LONG SILENCE .. VERY LONG SILENCE ..

"Ernesto, if you broke that f""king driver, you're in deep shit."