Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[solemandownunder]

an old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.



The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.



The barber replied, "just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does..."

hahahahhahahaahahahahahhaha

[Chimo]

The wit of the Scots



.
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.


Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.


The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."


The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."


And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"


The Scotsman replies,

"Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

[wayno60]

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviewsand testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

The men to a large metal door and handed

him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your

Instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

in a chair . . . kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was

quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't

have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the

woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had tobeat him to death with the f # cking chair.'

[sparkyice]

I have a true story like that.

My Aunt and Uncle met for dinner at Indooroopilly Shoppingtown and then went to see a movie. They went home together in my Uncles car. Next morning my Aunt figures her car has been stolen and reports it to police. A few days later the police call her and say they found her car, locked up at the shopping centre with no signs of forced entry. She went a collected the car, thanking the police for doing a great job. She never did tell them that she now realises that's where she parked it!

my buddy's dad was doing some work on his motorhome one spring, preparing it for the season.
the next day he went out to start the generator...GONE!!!
as the police investigated, my freind came home to all the commotion. his dad was quite upset.
he became more upset when it was pointed out to him that he had turned the RV around in the driveway, and the generator was in the compartment on the driver's side, now facing away from the house...

[groverwa]

A little folksong for your enjoyment..............turn up the sound and enjoy.<http://www.youtube.com/embed/_43f9RzAqMM>

[Chimo]

Dutch Oven.jpgIndian food can be bad for you And others!

PS This is an example of a Bad joke

[Xahn1960]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
...
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see
if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop."Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a
Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my
flower Garden. It used to really tick me off.. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab
hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck ! Oh,
by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

[Gon Fishun]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others

your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old?

Well......you'll love this one!

My name is alice smith and i was sitting in the

waiting room for my first appointment with a

new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma,

which bore his full name.

Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark

haired boy with the same name had been in my

secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret

crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded

any such thought.

This balding, grey haired man with the deeply

lined face was far too old to have been my

classmate. After he examined my teeth, i asked

him if he had attended morgan park secondary school .

'yes, yes i did. I'm a morganner! 'he beamed with pride.

'when did you leave to go to college?' i asked

he answered, in 1965. Why do you ask?

'you were in my class!' i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then the ugly,

old,

bald,

wrinkled,

fat arsed,

grey haired,

decrepit,

bastard asked..

'what subject did you teach ?

[Lancair]

A man is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife hits him round the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he asks.
The wife replies: "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man then explains: "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on."
The wife apologises and gets on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon regaining consciousness he asks why she has hit him again. Wife replies: "Your horse phoned."

[sparkyice]

Dutch Oven.jpgIndian food can be bad for you And others!

PS This is an example of a Bad joke

...after a "long business lunch"?
reading all that he consumed at lunch it does seem possible, but one wonders what business he is in, or was it simply his massive weight that did her in?

[Gon Fishun]

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

[Goodoo haven]

Two young guys appear in court afterbeing arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like niceyoung men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance instead of jail time. I...want you to go out this weekend and
try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court
Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the firstguy, "How did you do over the
weekend?""Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful .How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told
them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is
your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy." And how did you do?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this:
o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your ass hole before prison.............

[littlejim]

Here's a corny one for you:

A toughold cattleman from Jindabyne counselled his granddaughter that if she wanted tolive a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on heroatmeal every morning.

The granddaughterdid this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She leftbehind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25great-great-grandchildren,
and a 40-foot hole wherethe crematorium used to be.

[groverwa]

Politcians

[Chimo]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.


Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.

So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!


Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.