Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[sandman55]

A wife, being the ROMANTIC sort,

Sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I L-O-V-E YOU!

The husband replied...

"I am on the john ...... Please advise."

[Back In Black]

A bloke goes to the doctor for a prostate examination.
"Just relax" says the doctor.
"How can I relax with your finger up my bum"
Once the doctor withdrew, the patient says" could you please stick a different finger up my bum"
Why asks the perplexed doctor??
"I'd like a second opinion"!!

[Chimo]

Heaven and Hell

While on her morning ride on her broomstick, Prime Minister Julia Gillard falls off, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and emergency' dept at her nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat her in time.

So her soul arrives in Heaven and she is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Gillard.

'I'm sorry . But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts her to a lift and she goes down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it are Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped her out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc., even Kevin Rudd - The whole of the Labor Party leaders were there (and all the socialists from other parts of the world..good to see Starlin getting along nicely with Hitler)
Graig Thompson and his call girls were having a fun time and Peter Slipper was showing the newly arrived boys around.Jim Cairns had a new secretary and was busy negoiating a loan for the devil

Everyone is laughing, happy, and relaxed.

They run to greet her, to hug her (except Rudd who is still recovering from the stab wounds to his back!! ) and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the Australian 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Gillard with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Julia!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Gillard, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, ma’am. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Gillard takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labor Party pulled at the last election with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, National Broadband Network, Petrol prices, Carbon Tax, Mining Tax, Budget Surpluses, Solar schemes, National Broadband, Health Rebate, and Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before she realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug (except Rudd!) and waves as she steps into the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopen, she is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for her. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Gillard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. She doesn't see anybody she knows and she isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' she says uncomfortably to herself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Gillard reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and down she goes, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Gillard and puts an arm around her shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Gillard, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Chimo]

Maybe this should be in the politics section ..................

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Canberra. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Lower House and Senate at Parliament House, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.




The man replies, "Roughly a litre."

[wayno60]

249103_488294907910727_476160436_n.jpg..........

[Goodoo haven]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained.

"But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

[Goodoo haven]

Something here for everyone……
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
*****

[ozynorts]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[Chimo]

An Aussie bloke invites his mate back home for dinner, without first discussing it with his missus. When they arrive home unannounced, his wife calls him into another room, shuts the door and screams at him:



"I haven't done my hair or put on any make-up, I haven't done any housework.. I haven't had time to do last night's and this morning's washing up, the beds aren't even made and you know I can't be bothered cooking!



Why the Hell did you invite him home for dinner???"

Her husband looks at her and replies:

"Because he's thinking of getting married.

[sparkyice]

do you folks down under have walmart stores?
if not, close your borders before it's too late...

http://beartales.me/2013/01/14/the-l...f-walmartians/

[groverwa]

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually reported by a teacher).
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore.
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night. Early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck!
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

[groverwa]

Toilet sign

[groverwa]

For a bit of a giggle have a look at http://www.youtube.com/embed/pfxB5ut-KTs?rel=0

Mike

[Gon Fishun]

The guys were on a fishing trip. No one wanted to room with The Lump because he snored so badly.
They decided that it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time so they voted to take turns.
The first guy Cobiaman slept with The Lump and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said Man, what happened to you? He said The Lump snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.
The next night it was Lucee81 turn. In the morning, same thing. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were bloodshot. They said Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said The Lump shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.
The third night was Muddy Toes turn.
He was a tanned fisherman ... a mans man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. Good morning! he said.
They couldnt believe it. They said Man, what happened?
He said Well we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked The Lump into bed, patted him on the bum and kissed him good night on the lips.
The Lump sat up and watched me all night.

Names changed to protect the innocent.

[Goodoo haven]

"I’m fine thanks," I replied.
“My name’s Jack,” I said and introduced myself.
"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later,” she suggested.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and very persuasive.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she could give me a massage.
Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the exhilarating session I had with her.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth replied with a smile, “Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the cart!" I said...