Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Greg001]

Son:"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future".
"Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s#it".

[Chimo]

Driving Reaction Test








I know all of you are very good drivers, so here is a fun test to see how good your speed is!









The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10 mph.

Test your average reaction time. Be careful, this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are.
JUST CLICK ON THE DART WHEN THE SHEEP STARTS TO RUN ..... 5 sheep .....
Click here: Reaction Test









(The li'l critters are fast!)

[Back In Black]

How do you know there's been a Kiwi in your fridge??

By the love bites on your leg of lamb!!

[groverwa]

Love Story


I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.


All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[Ausfish]

I'll let the picture do the talking

[Gon Fishun]

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MORALS TEST - READ CAREFULLY

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

THE SITUATION:
You are in Queensland, Cairns to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a neatly dressed woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Julia Gillard!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

THE OPTIONS:

You can save the life of Julia Gillard or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful socialist women, hell bent on the destruction of Australia ..



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer........

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?


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[sparkyice]

(adapted form the original to suit the present audience)


how many kiwi's does it take to do the work of one good aussie?

no one knows.

[dnej]

Tinnie -

That is what I like about Queensland.......

Bluey went to an outdoor show and won a tinnie.
He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said,

"What you going to do with that. There is no water deep enough to
float a boat within 160 Klms of here."

He said: "I won it and I am gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He saw
the wife and asked where his brother was.

She said: "He is out there in his tinnie",
pointing to the paddock behind the house.

The brother headed out behind the house and saw his
brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in a
tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand ..
He yelled out to him: "What are you doing?"

His brother replied: "I am fishing. What the hell does it look like I am a doing?"

His brother yelled: "It are people like you who give people

from Queensland a bad name, making everybody think

we are stupid..

If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your arse!"

[groverwa]

Gillard was asleep in the lodge and awoke to see Menzies' ghost. She asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?"

Sir Bob said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."

Gillard went back to sleep, this time she woke to an image of John Howard at the end of her bed. She asked, "John, how can I make this country better?"

Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."

Again Gillard fell asleep and awoke this time to see the ghost of Harold Holt and asked, "Harold, how can I make this country better?"

Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!!"

[Chimo]

Cell Phone Etiquette



After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".



"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".



"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".



"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".



"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"



Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.



When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."



Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

[wayno60]

941352_406656059441924_315311327_n.jpg..........

[groverwa]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.




Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.




Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"




Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate the lot.




Two lessons here:




1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

2.Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Chimo]

Sensitive Australian Males……..


Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[groverwa]

Orstraylian


The following are results from an OZ-words Competition
where entrants were asked to take an Australian word,
alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor

Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustacean

[SCOTTYGC]

The modern Arab world!! You haveseen those architectural wonders of Dubai.

However, none are hooked up to a sewersystem!

The two minute video below passes aline of poop trucks and never gets to the end of the line.What were these people thinking?

An unbelievable amount of sewage is generated by the new high-rises andthere is no place to dispose of it. Camel sense seems about right!

Dubai doesn't have a sewage system for all those big new buildings sothey haul it all away in tank trucks.

Look at the number of tank trucksthat are waiting to dump their load.

This is amazing.They wait for days to dump their load.

You would have thought that bybuilding all those huge skyscrapers they would have enough sense to put in asufficient sewage system to haul away all that crap.

You would imagine that those building that look amazingly beautiful werebuilt on a well-planned system of utilities. But, that's NOT TRUE!!

Watch the following link:

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/-pQdjwliLMA?rel=0"