Longest Nerve In The Body
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life.
If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your bottom
and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes!
i have anal glaucoma.
i can't see my ass going to work this morning.
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down...
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
The Winter Boots
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing,
the little boots still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier
pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as they worked to get the boots back on,
this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em today.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and
courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
The teacher will be eligible for parole in three years.
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roo...mmate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house,
I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
Pay back
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down...
We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don'tforget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
Remember to always log on before heading offshore.
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,
weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any
good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
IF YOU DON'T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!
Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it.
She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”
The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas morning.
Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
“Honey,” he said. “You were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked Martha.
“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.
A man wakes up at the Gold Coast Hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Pacific Highway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your ##### was severed in the
accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation
coming and we now have the technology to build a new #####.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something
you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher
now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only
invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a
role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
Whats the difference between a Kiwi & a tub of yoghurt??
A tub of yoghurt has WAY more culture!!
A woman is out sunbathing naked, when all of a sudden a honeybee flies right into her vagina. In a frenzy she darts inside to tell her husband, who swiftly helps her dress and races her to the doctor. After carefully detailing how traditional methods of extraction could spook the bee and result in a dangerous sting, the doctor declares that he’s devised two very unconventional treatments.
“Anything doctor. What’s first?” Asks the husband.
“Well, Plan A. I could dab some honey on the end of my ##### and carefully insert it into your wife. With any luck we can entice the bee out that way. I know what you’re thinking sir, but my insurance would never cover you in the event of a mishap, and time is really of the essence here,” the doctor insists.
The couple, initially uncomfortable with the idea, eventually concede. The woman perches herself on the bed and parts her legs, at which time the doctor drops his pants, dips his member in some honey, and tentatively inserts it. He angles it to the left, nothing. He angles it to the right, nothing. He angles it to the left again, still nothing. The three of them start to despair.
Suddenly, the doctor reaches over and pulls one of the woman’s breasts out from beneath her gown and squeezes it. As she moans with glee the doctor begins thrusting his hips back and forward feverishly, before quickly repositioning her so she’s bent over the bed and he can pound her from behind.
Seething with rage, the husband leaps to his feet: “Knock it off creep! What the hell do you think you’re doing!?”
The doctor replies: “Plan B—I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever" I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes
like that, try something else.”
"Fine"
I said, "I don't want to die until Julia Gillard is re-elected as
Prime Minister".
"You're a shifty little bastard, aren't you?" said the fairy.
Remember to always log on before heading offshore.
you might like some of these tools for working on the boat.
I recommend the laser guided paintbrush and the hand operated chain saw.
http://www.kmstools.com/pages/competitor-79
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia, they decided to send it to Prime Minister Gillard.
The PM was so impressed that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 note.
The PM thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Parliament House, ACT and, as usual, those filthy thieving Labor bastards stole 95% of it.
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