i bought some used paint.
it came in the shape of a house...
i bought some used paint.
it came in the shape of a house...
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
Clipboard01.jpg
Wonder if Finga is about?
Nana.jpg
Nana's are spoilers.
This is from Peter FitzSimon's column in the Sydney Morning Herald but it made me chuckle....
Aspiring psychiatrists are attending their first class on emotional extremes. ''Just to establish some parameters,'' the professor says to the student from Deniliquin, ''what is the opposite of joy?''
''Sadness,'' the student says.
''And the opposite of depression?'' he asks of the young lady from Hay.
''Elation,'' says she.
''And you, sir,'' he says to the young man from Gulargambone, ''how about the opposite of woe?''
The Gulargambone bloke replies: ''Professor, I believe that would be giddy-up.''
Just because I give you advice, it doesn't mean that I know more than you, it just means that I have done more stupid shit.
Remember to always log on before heading offshore.
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like somebacon and
eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.""Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? Because I'm starving."
Apparently, there is a company in the USA that has just introduced a bacon flavoured condom.
It comes with the warning that before applying one of these bacon flavoured condoms, you should tie up your dog.
..........
IF IT CAN'T EAT A WHOLE PILLY I DON'T WANT IT
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb... but all men...are men!
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
A Harley bike rider walked into a chemist shop in Lakemba, and asked to
talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that
as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him The biker said that it was something
that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and
what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she
would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a ......permanent erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was
wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute
best we can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week .....
And $ 3,000 a month in living expenses."
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
A call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
Grinning from ear to ear.
Once he disconnects he shouts to the Barman that he wants to buy
Everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
Around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
Baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
The Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland ..
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
Of "STRUTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.
The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
How big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
Does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long S-l-O-w swig from his XXXX Gold
Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
Says, "Had him circumcised!"
Dad reckons fishing is 10% brains and 95% muscle, the rest is just good luck.
I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Remember to always log on before heading offshore.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
I wanna get a head!
Why did the ram go off the end of the cliff?
Because he didn't see the ewe turn.
Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?
One was a-salted.
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
He had no porpoise in his life!
Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
Because he's a squealer!
Remember to always log on before heading offshore.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed” she replied.
“Well strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, keaded, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is hungry. You don’t have any milk”.
“I know”, she said, “I’m his Grandmother, but I’m glad I came.
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