Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[ahjayem]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

Back at the ranch that afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think”, he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-induligible*!" Later that week when Laura had lunch with Hillary on her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That night when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "Guess what? I found out who piddled in your saxophone”.

* This is not a typing error – it’s George’s use of language.

[Fishin_Dan]

Qantas and Air New Zealand have sent out a short marketing campaign about a merger of the 2 airlines.


<Sorry if this offends>

[zedjack33]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"



Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.



Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"

After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting......




"Dopey sh*gged a penguin!"
"Dopey sh*gged a penguin!" [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

[robersl]

man gets on a flight in townsville has a bag full of mud crabs ,the flight attend say excuse me sir but you can not have those mud crabs at your seat however i can put them in the galley for you and when we land in brisbane i will give them back to you, ok says the man hands over the crabs the plane is on final approach to brisbane airport and the hostess can not remember who gave her the mud crabs in townsville, so she gets on the inter com and says would the man who gave me the crabs in townsville please come forward , the whole plane burst into laughter and no one moved and that is a true story


shane

[Punkin]

man gets on a flight in townsville has a bag full of mud crabs ,the flight attend say excuse me sir but you can not have those mud crabs at your seat however i can put them in the galley for you and when we land in brisbane i will give them back to you, ok says the man hands over the crabs the plane is on final approach to brisbane airport and the hostess can not remember who gave her the mud crabs in townsville, so she gets on the inter com and says would the man who gave me the crabs in townsville please come forward , the whole plane burst into laughter and no one moved and that is a true story


shane

Did it happen in November two years ago?

I reckon i know the crab-passing culprit and i reckon you all know him too

C'mon Dicko, fess up

[szopen]

Another flight joke.

On a plane in China a stewardese asks a tourist:
S: - Would you like a meal?
T: - What's the choice?
S: - Yes or Not....

[zedjack33]

One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in
a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."


So, he tied her up and went golfing. [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

[major-defect]

It was recently found in a survey that 9 out of 10 city drivers yell f#*k when they are about to crash. While 9 out of 10 country drivers yell hold my bundy can and watch this.

[zedjack33]

>A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
>party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the
>party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and

>said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no
need
>for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume
and
>away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke
>Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her

>husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some
>fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with
him.
>So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
>cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he

>could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife
went
>up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new
>partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far
as
>he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he
>finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so
off
>they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back

>seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home
and
>put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation
>he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up
reading
>when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. Oh, the same
old
>thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then
she
>asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even
>danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other
>guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening" You

>must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
>night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,
>"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of
his
>life."
[smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif] [smiley=jester.gif]

[Hoges]

loved the fancy dress one zedjack33!

Substitute your own relevant suburb if not a Mexican

News Flash: EARTHQUAKE ROCKS DANDENONG

A major earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter scale,
has hit Australia in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre
believed to be in the South Eastern City of Dandenong. Victims were seen
wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F'kin ell" and "Whadda carnt".
The earthquake has completely decimated the area, leaving a damage bill
expected to exceed more than $3000.



Several priceless collections, including mementos from
the Torana Appreciation Society and the Doveton Progress Hall, were
destroyed in the quake. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques
arrived. Melbourne radio reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting had happened in the area. One resident -
Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a
shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it
all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer later in the
morning".



The people of Dandenong are a resilient community and
evidence of a full recovery can already been seen, with looting,
muggings and car crime carrying on as normal.



The aid response from local charities has been swift.
The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to the
area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching
through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal
belongings, which include Centrelink booklets, Saints tee shirts,
Priceline jewellery and fine bone china from Go-Lo.



The Red Cross seeks to raise money for food and
clothing, to be air-dropped as parcels for those unfortunate to be
caught up in this disaster. Donations of clothing are in demand. Items
most needed include:



Baseball caps;

Tracksuit tops (his and hers);

Flannelette shirts (female);

White sport socks;

Sturdy boots; and

Any other items usually sold in "Op" Shops.



Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed
all the same. Required foodstuffs include:



Pluto Pups (Dagwood Dogs),

Doner kebabs,

McDonalds,

KFC,

Ice cream

Cans of UDL Bourbon and Coke;

Passion Pop

Victoria Bitter (stubbies or cans).



Charities are also accepting cash donations through any
Liquorland outlet.

$0.25 buys a ball point pen for filling in compensation
forms;

$5.00 buys chips, sausages, gherkins, crisps and blue
fizzy drinks for a family of nine; and

$10.00 will buy a packet of Winfield Blues 25s and a
lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.



Aid agencies have requested that no tents be sent into
the affected suburb, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the
population of the neighbouring areas.

[megafish71]

GRANDMA'S LETTER
JUST A QUICK NOTE - OFF TO A GATHERING..
>
> with all my new ideas to spread the love!!
>
>
> The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk
> if
> you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that
> day
> because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by
> a
> thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my
> bumper.
>
> I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
> thought
> about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had
> changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he
> hadn't
> honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus.
>
> Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
> crazy,
> and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God,
> GO!
> GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started
> honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling
> at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share
> in the love.
>
> There must have been a man from Queensland back there because I heard
> him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in
> a
> Funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked
> my
> teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was
> probably a Fijian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met
> anyone from Fiji, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck
> sign back.
>
> My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious
> experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
> moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
>
> I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
> when I
> noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and
> brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. - I noticed I
> was the only car that got through the intersection before the light
> changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all
> the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
> window and gave them all the Fijian good luck sign one last time as I
> drove away.
>
> Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[megafish71]

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mum and dads for the night.

In the morning, little johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if fred and mary are up yet.

She replies, "no".

Johnny asks, "do you know what I think? "

His mum replies, "never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "no."

Johnny says, "do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "no."

Johnny asks, "do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "ok! What do you think?"

He says, "well, last night fred came in for the vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[megafish71]

A Somali arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Australian for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am from Ireland.

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia.
The person says "I no Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderfull Australia. That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iraq, I am not an Australian.

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian
She says, "No, I am from New Zealand.

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"
The New Zealand lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says..."Probably at work."

[Hoges]

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from pandanus tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable, ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No. No thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean……." He swallows excitedly, and tears start to form in his eyes..............................# .....

"…..I can check my e-mail from here?"

[zedjack33]

Indian Mating Season


Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about.

"Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really
big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of
the local newspaper read.............................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ........................................NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!