Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Lancair]

Calories Burned During Sex

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,31 5 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

[Lancair]

CORNISH Three kick rule


An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot and dropped a bird, but
it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Mike replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and,
if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Cornwall . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three
Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go
first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly
managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he
said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Lancair]

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time, your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F*** you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon, and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your Husband/wife any more.
He/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Chimo]

Proofreading is a Dying Art....

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny...

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No kidding, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield (London) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
Of course, they just suspect it, but they may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
************************************************** *

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is......
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
************************************************** *

[Goodoo haven]

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for
an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever. "
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor."

[Goodoo haven]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.


Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.



Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'



The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 58 years.

[Gon Fishun]

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece
when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
you live in an 8 bedroom mansion
you drive a $650,000 Ferrari,
you get $5,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away...
Over 45 cents?"

[sparkyice]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a fun loving movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part..

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during fun loving.

[PixieAU]

Nice set (of jokes) right there

[Goodoo haven]

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

The wife screams at him "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking ! What the f**k did you invite him round for?"

"Cos he's thinking of getting married"


Gutsy call!

[SCOTTYGC]

Golfers might wish to purchase this book.



Firstedition pre-sold!!






I am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about thisessential read.
This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 40+ years of experience.




Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger
Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m
Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in theWater
Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee
Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS
• A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
• A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
• A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
• A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
• A Cuban - needs one more revolution
• An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
• An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
• A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
• A Kate Winslett - a bit flat but otherwise perfect
• A Kate Moss - bit thin
• A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
• A Rodney King - over-clubbed
• An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
• A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
• A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
• A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
• An elephant's arse - high and shitty
• A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
• A circus tent - a BIG top
• A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don'tmiss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from myexpertise . ..

It would be greatly appreciated if you could affix this promo to your clubnoticeboard

[Goodoo haven]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

[Goodoo haven]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?


22. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

23. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door?

[Goodoo haven]

Yesterday I raked some leaves, and after doing so I sat down and had a nice
cold beer. After a while, for some inexplicable reason, I began to ponder the age-old
question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women
always maintain that giving birth is way more painful.

Well, after a second beer, and some reasonably serious deductive thinking, I
came up with my answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more
painful than having a baby ...... and here is the reasoning behind my
conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to
have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like
another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . .

[datamile]

The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?
"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).
"Well go look in the garage!"... she said.