Reply With QuoteAdult Scrabble
Re-arrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P NE S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
Adult Scrabble
Re-arrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P NE S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
does "pines" make me a lumberjack? they are woody.
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
At least pines and spine are longer than the other one.
ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken!"
What could go wrong.......................
Q: What do you call a fish without the eye?
A: fsh
LitleJim, Bloody brilliant !!!!!!!
The Fence Repair - Sounds Very Familiar
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House.
One is from Cabramatta, another is from Marrickville, and the third is from Lane Cove.
All three go with an official to examine the fence.
The Cabramatta contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Marrickville contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Lane Cove contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Lane Cove contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Marrickville to fix the fence."
"Done!" Replies the government official.
And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.
What could go wrong.......................
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
What could go wrong.......................
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man
"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
A clever example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly.
The representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, “What a good opportunity to take a bath!” Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out he found, his clothes had vanished. Moses assumed a Palestinian was the obvious culprit!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, “What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.”
The Israeli representative smiled and said quietly, “And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.”
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring
at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink #####.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics
believe that the pink ##### also reflects the cultural and
sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said,
'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery', asked the couple?
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and
said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded with a loud voice. "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
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