Here is some rare footage of Wayne Swan when he was a child.
It has recently surfaced and as you will see, not much has changed for him over the years...
http://i.imgur.com/XaiUx.gif
Here is some rare footage of Wayne Swan when he was a child.
It has recently surfaced and as you will see, not much has changed for him over the years...
http://i.imgur.com/XaiUx.gif
Don.
"Magpie Navy." VHF 73.
It was a Woman who drove me to Drink......
....and I never gave her money for the Petrol......
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I havesucceeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. Thefollowing is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:
We will wake the kids - 54 times
It's too late - 15 times
I'm too tired - 42 times
It's too early - 12 times
It's too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result wasnot always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you remindedme that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up andget it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, andonce I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around andbreathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
**********************
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are theREAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book -16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missedme and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and Ididn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack inthe ceiling.
What I said was, "Would you like me on my backor kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when youfarted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"
Love, Your Wife
9 Months before I was born... I went to an awesome party with the Old Man & left with my mum!!!!
My wife being the romantic sort and working away from home, just sent me a text.............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xxx."
I replied........"I am having a crap. What should I do?"
4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "what about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
Am I a Good Citizen or what?
Whilst strolling along the side of Brisbane River this morning I noticed a
Muslim extremist slip from the New Farm Park ferry ramp and fall into the water .
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Aussie, and abiding by the law of the land that requires
you to help those in distress, I informed Fortitude Valley Police, the Immigration
Office and even the SES Rescue team.
It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted three stamps.
not really a joke this one, but it was still a funny read.
Psychology 101
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result.........all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...........with enthusiasm, because he is now part of 'the team'.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds.............that is the way it has always been!
This, my friends, is how Parliament operates.........and this is why, from time to time: ALL of the monkeys need to beREPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
Dad reckons fishing is 10% brains and 95% muscle, the rest is just good luck.
At some point in a guy's life . . . it comes down to this
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?."
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So . . . . here I am !
The First Bloke
Tim Matheson, the First Bloke and Tony Abbott somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Tim in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Tim was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, Julia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Abbott and said, "How about you" Mr. Abbott?"
Abbott replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
What could go wrong.......................
As seen on Facebook....
The Farm Code
A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet, " said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ?
and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I ? "
What could go wrong.......................
Santa and the Angel
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it
broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw
off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not very many people know this.
What could go wrong.......................
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting section.
2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section.
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
5 to flame the spell checkers.
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
And...
1 Forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
And 1 to say somebody has "way" to much free time to themselves. HAHA bloody classic.Originally Posted by Cheech
While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’
To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’
‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’
‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.
The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’
‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’
‘And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot #######? ‘ he asked.
‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’
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