My mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes for Christmas off the internet.
I asked him which website he saw them on and he said: "Google Earth"!
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My doctor advised me to cut out saturated fat
It’s put an end to s******g the wife in the shower
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I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the bush containing a cat and four kittens."
"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
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I saw some girl driving and texting the other day.
I got really pissed off, rolled down my window,
and threw my beer at her...
Happiness - Aussie style
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me..............
My heart was beating fast , and the excitement was unbearable
It seemed to take an age, but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said,
"Get that trolley over here love.
They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2."
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
Paddy walks into a florist and says "I'd be wantin a bunch of flowers for me Girlfriend"
The florist says "Ah to be sure that's nice, what is it you're after?"
Paddy "Ah, I be wanting a F@#& !"
Awoman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group from Parliament that included JuliaGillard.
Gillard quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked her and started to leave.
JuliaGillard said, "I'm Julia Gillard, and I hope you'll vote for me in thecoming election."
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my arse, not my head!"
A Teacher's Story about Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F@2$-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
What could go wrong.......................
This was emailed to me today and can't stop laughing. Have printed it and hung it in the workshop and the office.
It has been censored to fit in with the G rating.
Cheers.
Bob.
Bob Censored.jpg
A friend told a blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
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A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
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An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, ...the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man." The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation!
A cop was staking out the Geelong Hotel for bikers riding drunk.
At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fum...ble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.
Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls
him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.
The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0!
The cop says, "How is this possible?"
The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
Take care
So here's something to participate in, read answer and enjoy.
How Sharp Are You?
UNDERSTAND EACH QUESTION PRIOR TO SELECTING YOUR RESPONSE.AND DON'T LAUGH AT BILL GATES AND HIS SCORE OF THREE JUST YET!!
This one is fun!! Think carefully.
You are going to hate yourself over this.
It scores automatically, too.
Take this advice.... think before you answer.
Click here: HowSmart AreYou?
What could go wrong.......................
Two blondes were sipping their coffees when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"
I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"
a young boy asks his father "father, how did i get my name?"
"well, son, in our clan it is the tradition for the father to name his child based on whatever he may see the first time he carries his baby out into the world.
when your grandfather first brought me into the light he saw a great eagle fly in front of the sun. i am called Eagle Screams At The Sun.
when i brought your sister into the light, it was a foggy morning and a small bird landed next to us in a tree. her name became Sparrow In The Mist.
when i brought your brother into the light i saw a wolf chasing an elk. his name became Wolf Running In The Wind.
why do you ask this question, Dog Who Licks Balls?"
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill
, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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