I bumped into Rolf Harris in the supermarket the other day. I said, "Hey, I remember seeing you doing two little boys back in the 70's", he replied, "Eff off, that was Jimmy Saville!!"
I bumped into Rolf Harris in the supermarket the other day. I said, "Hey, I remember seeing you doing two little boys back in the 70's", he replied, "Eff off, that was Jimmy Saville!!"
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
INVITATION
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle
to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
A FISHERMAN'S TOMBSTONE
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3.. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
What could go wrong.......................
In the senior citizens home, two elderly ladies were sitting down to breakfast when Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and said, "Mabel, I think you have a suppository stuck in your ear?" Mabel answered "I have a suppository stuck in my ear?", she pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said "Ethel, Im glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where to look for my hearing aid!"
Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.""Okay then," said Fred, a big man almost 60 years old, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. It's length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.
Drover: "Three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who have spent time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told
Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse
gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his
clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
Me missus bought a paperback
Down town on Saturday,
I had a peep into her bag;
...
'Twas “Fifty Shades of Grey."
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
Her left hand held a length of rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.
Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled up upon her feet
A cuppla minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris,
You would see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.
She stood there nude, just naked like,
Bent forward just a bit ….
I took a pace to brace meself
And stood on her left tit!
Old Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”
Well readers, I won't tell no more
What happened on that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair
Turned “fifty shades of grey”.
Jim
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from Green Bay . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
man servant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
Last edited by SCOTTYGC; 29-10-2012 at 02:48 PM. Reason: doh
COMPLETE & FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED
but, there is an explanation, as told by a Newfoundlander!
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!!
What could go wrong.......................
i was asked to volunteer for our neighborhood beutification project. they asked how much of a commitment i would be making.
i told them i would participate, but not commit.
what is the difference they asked.
i told them both the pig and the hen contribute to breakfast. one participates, and the other makes a commitment.
standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
Jennifer, a manager atBunnings, had the task of hiring someone to
fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who
were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job.*
The day came and as the foursat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked
the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, whowas contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the
barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'
she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s#^t myself..'
Wally is now working at a Bunnings nearyou!
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