Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

This is an actual review on amazon.co.UK for Veet Hair Removal for Men...
A. Chappell

This review is for: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml (Personal Care)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.
I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good".
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...
So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:

[Chimo]

At a bar ...







Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:


"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:


"No kidding, I'm in banking too!Which one are you with?"

[wayno60]

joke.jpg....................

[wayno60]

From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp

I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it bothers you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,
Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.
Though unconvinced that blinding local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me. Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m not Jack London.
I did see a snake the other day though. I picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake. Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.
As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples property and touch their stuff.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.
I'm not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.
And no, it was not a threat. It was an exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.
I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.
It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your window.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again #######? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:
1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.
As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:
What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f&ck up now. Don't email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press charges.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,
What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

F&ck off back to Austria.

[Chimo]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**









**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**










**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**










**After a brief pause,**










**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**










**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**










Brief Pause.









**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**









**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**








**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**








**'I did it, Daddy.'**








**'And what happened, honey?' **






'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**










**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**










**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**










**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..**










**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**










**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**










*****Long Pause*****











*****Longer Pause*****











*****Even Longer Pause*****










**Then Daddy says,**










**'Swimming pool? .............**










**Is this 486-5731?'*













**No, I think you have the wrong number.........*

[Lancair]

A gold-plated butt plug business is being sued by Apple. Apparently they have the world wide patent on overpriced crap for A??????s.

[mowerman]

If it was not for credit I would have 4 uneducated single daughters with crooked teeth and no transportation living with me.

Rod
.

[shooty]

I went shopping with the missus at Coles the other day and turned around and said that I was the laziest person she had ever met. Well I nearly fell out the trolley :-) .....

[Goodoo haven]

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table
in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way -- he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.






Phil: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering you do for a living?





Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.




Phil: - Oh! What's that then?




Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?




Phil: - Well yeah, I do as it happens!




Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?




Phil: - It's in a pond!




Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.




Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!




Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have
a large garden then you have a large house?




Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house, built it myself!




Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that
you are quite probably married?




Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.




Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?




Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!




Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?




Phil: - Me? Never.




Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!




Phil: - How's that then?




Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!




Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!




Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.




Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?




Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!




Eric: - What's that then?




Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?




Eric: - Nope.




Phil: - Well then, you're a ######.

[wayno60]

I saw a car parked outside Woollies with a bumper sticker that said 'I Miss Alice Springs '. So I smashed the windows, stole the radio, let the tyres down & left several VB cans on the back seat with a note saying 'hope this helps'.

[mowerman]

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Bunnings

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings. Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?



.

[Lancair]

The teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"


Lil' Johnny jumps up and says, "I wanna’ be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of Johnny, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

“And you, Tanya? What do you want to be when you grow up?”


"I wanna’ be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"

[wayno60]

I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 9 gun turrets at various heights,
and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

... It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it SNOT GREEN with PINK trim.

The City Council told me; Forget it.. IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It's the Government I'm afraid of...

[Chimo]

Water Bed in a German furniture store












Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed, but oh well..the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign saying "Don't . . . !"

Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed. It's in German, but that only makes it funnier.

Watch for the last two ladies !

http://www.youtube.com/embed/9wm-Ge8LL7o?rel=0

[Lancair]

The missus bought a Paperback
down Dymocks,Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left one !

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.