A door to door poll taker asked a young housewife what form of contraception she and her husband used.
"We use the bucket and saucer method." Replied the woman.
"Gee," said the man, "I have never heard of that one before, can you explain it to me."
"Well, it works like this," replied the woman, "My husband is shorter than me so he has to stand on a bucket."
"I see," said the man, "What happens then?"
"And when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him!"
The blonde teenage girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house.
When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria.
The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
After having their 11th child, a couple decided that was enough, as the social couldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
Julia Gillard goes to aprimary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand andshe asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you said you're alesbian?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they willcontinue after recess.
When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him hisname.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn't vote for it?
Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren't you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously alesbian?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?
Cheers,
Leigh (Kero).
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then startsputting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, 'Where are you going?'
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff'
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'
He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'
WhingeNSW.jpg
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For all the golden oldies out there.....
Give it to me, she yelled, I am so wet !!Give it to me now I am so f##cken wet !.
She can scream all she wanted,I am not sharing my umbrella !
What the mother of every daughter fears...
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
Cheers, Doug.
Love to use Preditek or Kingfisher lures or Viva Lures when I am out fishing.
NSW!!!!!!!!!
Lionel comes home from the first day of primary school and he tells him mum " mum ive got the biggest old fella in grades 1,2 and3 and its cause im Aboriginal" mum says mate its not cause your aboriginal now go and do your homework!
The next day lionel comes and tells his mum "mum ive got the biggest old fella in grades 1,2,3,4 and 5 and its cause im Aboriginal" mum says its not cause your Aboriginal now go and do your homework!
The next afternoon Lionel came home he tells mum "mum I got the biggest old fella in the whole entire school and its cause im Aboriginal" mum says Lionel its not cause your Aboriginal its because your F#%$EN seventeen!!!
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus," said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy." replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".
Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner,where a policeman is standing. 'Officer,' he asks, 'have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?' 'No,I haven't.What's the problem?' 'The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!' 'Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?' the officer asks. 'Well,yes,' the barber replies. 'He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand.
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