Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[lucee81]

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.

So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer.

That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom.

He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his p***s on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"

[lucee81]

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband, " she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8.

Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

[lucee81]

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasnt wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctors office.

The doctor asks her whats wrong, why doesnt she want to have sex with her husband? Oh, thats easily explained. For the past six months, the wife says, Ive been taking a cab to work every morning. I dont have any money.

The cab driver asks me, Are you going to pay today, or what? So, I take an or what.

Then, when I get to work, she continues, Im late, so the boss asks me, Are we going to write this down in the book, or what? So, I take an or what. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money.

The cab driver asks me again, So, are you going to pay this time, or what? Again, I take an or what. So you see, doc, by the time I get home Im all tired out and dont want it anymore.

Yes, I see, replies the doctor. So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?

[lucee81]

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.

"Well, if you must know, " said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery.

" The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives.

He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best.

I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee.

You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best." The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned. After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight, and looked terrible. The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???" The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite.

" Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze.

Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch.

She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."

[lucee81]

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants/panties anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary whose species and or name you can't remember. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker

[Goodoo haven]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

[lucee81]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "P***ycat.

" The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband the complainer said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE me that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.

The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next-door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's p***y doesn't stink any more.

We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant.

God only knows who the father is!" then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

[lucee81]

An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office.

He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life.

In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child.

What do you think of that?" The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season.

But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle.

So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?" The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!" "EXACTLY" says the doctor.

[lucee81]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant and rave about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry, " he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

[lucee81]

Once there was a midget who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached all the time. As he was always talking about his aching testicles his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor & told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to cough, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side & he told the midget to pull up his pants & see if it still ached. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his testicles were not aching. "What did you do Doc?" he asked. The doc replied.."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots!!"

[lucee81]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.

If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.

Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly..make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die, " she replied

[lucee81]

This is said to be a true story from the a major word processor software producer's helpline. Supposedly, the help desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former Customer Support employee: "Customer Support Desk, may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your word processor software." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared.

" "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing.

" "Nothing?" "It's blank it won't accept anything when I type.

" "Are you still in the program, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a C: prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.

Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......

Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

" "....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage.

" "A power outage ??? Aha !!! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

" "Really? Is it that bad?" "Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[finga]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


I read that I had a type-A blood, but it was a Typo.


PMS jokes aren't funny; period.


Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


We’re going on a trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx


All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.


Velcro — what a rip off!


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

[lucee81]

Watch out Alfred's on fire today 😃😃😃

[lucee81]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed theR ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"CELEBRATE !!!"