Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[SCOTTYGC]

On a recent trip to the United States , Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of Red Indians. She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for Carbon Trading Tax for Australia . At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

[wayno60]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal

the nicknames they had for their wives.

Best call was from the guy who called his wife “Harvey Norman .....”
...
Why? ......

No interest for 48 months

[lucee81]

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is

Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my

camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like

the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop!

My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her

legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along

[lucee81]

Man discovered Colours and invented PAINT,

Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKE-UP.

Man discovered WORDS and invented CONVERSATION,

Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

Man discovered games and invented PLAYING CARDS,

Woman discovered PLAYING CARDS and invented TAROT.

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,

Woman discovered FOOD and invented the DIET.

Man discovered EMOTIONS and invented LOVE,

Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE

Man discovered WOMANand invented SEX,

Woman discovered SEX and invented the HEADACHE.

Man discovered TRADE and invented MONEY,

Woman discovered MONEY and that put an end to everything....

[lucee81]

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down the main street of Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?"

She replied, "You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll be glad to light a candle for you."

"Thank -you, Father." And away she went.

Some years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well ," she said.

"And tell me ," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said, " And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, " He's gone to Rome to blow out your damn candle."

[lucee81]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions, YUM. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[lucee81]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[lucee81]

ICE CREAM!

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says 'I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream'.

The lady says 'OK, I'll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.'
The man says 'Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate'.
The little old lady says 'OK, then I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone'.

The man, a little more irritated this time says 'Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla'.
The lady says V A N

The man says, 'OK, spell straw as in strawberry'.
The lady says S T R A W.

The man says, 'OK, now spell f*ck as in chocolate'.
The lady says there ain't no f*ck in chocolate.

The man says, 'Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along!

[lucee81]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ' Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Goodoo haven]

A guy goes into Australia Post in 1974 to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm,
why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

[cormorant]

While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady started taking off her clothes.

Doctor, stopping her says: "No! No! Just show me your tongue."

[Goodoo haven]

Stupid question, excellent response!


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters..


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

[WalrusLike]

Is this true? I have always been impressed by Cosgrove but now I am even more a fan!

Simple minded media just love to make inaccurate associations. Thanks for sharing.

[littlejim]

That's the Australianised version. original joke had a yank general.
Cosgrove wouldn't have said anything like that.
(don't think a yank general would have said it either - it's a joke!)

[theangryangler]

In the pub the other day and over heard two plump ladies having a conversation and noticed their accent
I asked äre you two ladies visiting from the UK?" They replied Ïts wales"
So i asked "are you two whales visiting from The UK?"
And thats the last thing i remember!!!