Little Gerry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Gerry asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Little Gerry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Gerry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Gerry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed"....answered the kid.
"You are in Australia now, and there is no Mohammed.
From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. ....
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, I 'm in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents,
your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and with that, she gave him a beating.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher
saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well Miss, 2 hours after becoming an Australian , I was attacked by two
f*cken Arabs."
Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your Wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even At home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing With himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jesus Paddy,what ya Doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the Bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to Attracter.....
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to Do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do This year?. Paddy replies, - I'll @#$%^& take her with me!
Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the Shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just @#$%^ wet mine."
Kate Middleton was visiting her new mother in law- Queen Lizzy.
She asked- ' Your royal Highness, you and Phillip have been married a very long time, what is the secret to a long and happy marraige?'
The queen replied- 'always wear a seatbelt and dont piss me off."
A wedding occurred just outside Dublin in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Julia's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Julia's plan".. All grades will be averaged a...nd everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.
Remember, there IS a test coming up. The 2013 elections
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f#ck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
True story..
Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to ALDI, only to have their car break down in the car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.
Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at ......................her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The RACQ mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The instructions
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth.
The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17.
The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
What could go wrong.......................
What could go wrong.......................
One lazy Sunday the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,
"When i die i want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a__hole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said " what make you think i'd marry another a__hole?"
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