Heres a couple more i got sent...
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy sh*t. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
History's top 10 (11) times for appropriate use of the F-word:
11th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my arse!" - Noah, 4314 BC
10th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
9th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
8th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
7th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937
5th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
4th - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
3rd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
2nd- "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
AND... just arrived...
The 1st most appropriate time for using the "F" word....
"I'm going to save the f***ing World with my Carbon Tax!!" - Juliar Gillard, 2011
Life thoughts bu Ducky......
1. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
2. Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
4. When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
5. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is.
I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not f*cking listening'
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline.
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and pisses Off.
And the best for last.......
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar*e but you said, 'F*ck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'
For all you other gym members............
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
####### was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
What could go wrong.......................
I just read this out to my wife..,, We were both hysterical. Thanks, it's a ripper.Originally Posted by Chimo
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* .. *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?''
A gushy young female reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered."
.
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