Thread: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

  1. #3721

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

    Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ...ecstasy.

    About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

    Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

    Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

  2. #3722

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
    On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
    The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
    The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
    "We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
    "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
    "He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labor ######## who knows bugger all about running the country.
    "So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
    "He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'
    "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

    .
    My dictionary defines green as ‘unripe, immature, undeveloped'. Perfect description.

    Most political parties are seen as interested in what the voters think, the Greens are seen as thinking the community should be interested in what they think.

  3. #3723
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
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    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Your Duck is Dead--

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.


    As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope

    and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,


    "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested.


    "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

    He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.


    He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,

    put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

    He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.


    A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

    The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.



    The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
    What could go wrong.......................

  4. #3724

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

    "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

    "I'm a hit man," was the reply.

    "You're joking!" was the response.

    "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

    "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

    "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!"

    He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

    "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

    "Can you do two for me now?"

    "Sure, what do you want?"

    "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

    The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

    "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

    "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."


  5. #3725

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    While in China, an American man is very se*ually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

    A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ##### covered with bright green and purple spots.

    Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return i...n two days for the results.
    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you; you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know very little about it.”
    The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
    The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your #####.”
    The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
    The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
    The Chinese doctor examines his ##### and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
    The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my #####!”
    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amelican docttah, awrways wan ampootate. Make more money dat way. No need ampootate!”
    “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
    “Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wai two week. Fawl off by itself!”

  6. #3726

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

    She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

    The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

    He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."



    -----------------------------------------------


    Wife by text, to husband at work

    "Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

    Husband - "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

    Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!

  7. #3727

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A man in Brisbane walked into the produce section of his local Coles's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As ...he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

    " New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.

    " Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

    " Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

    " Really?" replied the boy, " Who'd she play for?"

  8. #3728
    Ausfish Addict Chimo's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
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    Gold Coast

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.


    'I'm sorry 'St Peter said 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

    'That's cool' said the blonde 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

    'Just three questions' said St Peter.

    'Which are?' asked the blonde.

    'The first' said St Peter 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'

    'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

    'The third is 'What was the name of the swag-man in Waltzing Matilda?'

    'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

    So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same)..

    The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

    'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

    The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
    St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

    'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

    St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

    The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

    'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

    'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

    St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

    And he walked away shaking his head.

    A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

    'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

    Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

    The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

    'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

    'It's Andy.'

    'Andy?''

    'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

    This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

    Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?'
    'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'



    And the blonde entered Heaven...


    And what's worse , you're now singing it to yourself ....
    What could go wrong.......................

  9. #3729

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    Working people frequently ask retired people what the ydo to make their days interesting.

    Well for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
    When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and i said, 'come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him an a--hole. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn out tyres.
    So Bev called him a s--t head. He finished the second ticket and put it under the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
    This went on for about 20 minutes.
    The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just hten our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. Its important at our age...

  10. #3730

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    American Football and the Blonde

    A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
    "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
    Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
    "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

  11. #3731

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

    The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

    'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

    'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

    'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

    'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

    'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

    'I used a different cock,' he replied.

    The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'


  12. #3732

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    The Barbershop







    A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left. ...
    A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

    The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

    The guy left.

    A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

    The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

    The guy left.

    The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

    A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


    The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

    Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

    'Your house!



  13. #3733

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy thai girl.
    I thought to myself, "please dont get an erection. Please dont get an erection."


    But she did..
    Last edited by lucee81; 02-04-2012 at 12:38 PM. Reason: Spelling

  14. #3734

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
    Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

    10 men and 1 woman.
    The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
    Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
    They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

    She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

    As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .


  15. #3735

    Re: Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

    LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR








    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.




    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'




    'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.




    'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'




    She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.




    'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

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