Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[littlejim]

(lifted from a UK forum)

After a busy day he settled downin his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester,when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:- "Hidarling, it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, withthe boss - no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross myheart" etc., etc.



This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite,driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back tobed!!"

[sparkyice]

this is an actual news story from near where i live, in pennsyvania, usa.
i can't condone his actions, but i do appreciate his sense of humour...


TOWANDA -- A Wysox man has been charged with disorderly conduct after he affixed a sex toy to a county-owned van, state police in Towanda said Tuesday.
Police said Cameron Scott Yates, 21, was performing court-ordered community service on Feb. 5 when he attached a sex toy to the front of a Bradford County Probation and Parole van.
The community service supervisor didn't know the sex toy was mounted on the front of the van, and drove it to the parking lot of Hurley's Grocery Store in North Towanda Township. Police said the sex toy's presence on the van at the parking lot was "physically offensive."


somehow i can picture the offending device riding proudly and joyfully down the road, reacting to the various railroad tracks and dips in the road with enthusiasm and vigour.

[Chimo]

Husband Day Care.jpg Not funny, damn good idea I reckon!

[lucee81]

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

[wayno60]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
...
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'There's your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase…

[gpz1991]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
...
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.


'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'There's your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase…

This I like

[wayno60]

The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the North West coast of Australia.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position as the boats were heading not away from, but towards Indonesia.

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors of pension age.
...
Their claim was that they were trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and

therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners.

The Navy it is believed gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey north.

We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come too.

[Chimo]

It's so easy to explain. This makes it so plain and simple to understand!


I asked a friend's daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both her parents, Labor supporters, were standing there, so I asked her,
"If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labor Party!"
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.

I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to
do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep
my drive and I'll pay you $25.

Then I'll take you over to the shop where the homeless guy sits outside.
You can give him the $25 to use toward food."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the
work and you can just pay him the 25?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Liberal Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me...........

Amazing the stuff that's in the emails these days!

[wayno60]

While in China, an American man is very se*ually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his ##### covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return i...n two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you; you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your #####.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his ##### and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my #####!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid Amelican docttah, awrways wan ampootate. Make more money dat way. No need ampootate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wai two week. Faw off by itself!”

[nathank]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra .

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
...
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'There's your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase…

Wayno... you have outdone yourself there mate ..love it

[Summy12]

I went fishing at Lenthalls Dam this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a brown snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait & knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back & he went limp. I released him into the dam without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was the brown snake.

With two more frogs.

[leeroy1]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed
the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an #######!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down
with the word '#######' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an #######!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic '#######'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our
Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an #######!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for

I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first #######
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW #######, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an #######!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two #######s to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called ####### #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an #######!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'#######, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, #######,'
and hung up.

Then I called ####### #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, #######,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'

I answered,
'Well, #######, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvdin Fairfax.....
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax..

I got there just in time to watch two #######s
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[wayno60]

its an oldie but a classic.......

[Black_Rat]

Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter, he's already following you.
Chuck Norris bit the Apple logo.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
...
Yoda used to be 6 feet tall till he tried that Force crap on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke... that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it

Everybody tries to be perfect... Perfection tries to be Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris can single handedly surround his victims.

When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies... As The Force.

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Only Chuck Norris can dislike on Facebook

The sheep on Chuck Norris' farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang it doesn't dare come back

Chuck Norris does not fart, nothing escapes Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise

Unstoppable force meeting an immovable object? Chuck Norris clapping.

Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can use Mxit on a pay phone.

Chuck Norris can insert a picture in a Notepad file.

[Donny Boy]

Just been to the gym.
They've got a new machine in.
Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick,
It's great though. Does absolutely everything I need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."