A cannibal was walking through the jungle
And came upon a restaurant operated by a
fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and lookedover the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.
+Politician: Baked Labor or Grilled Green $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a high price for the politicians?"
The cook replied,"Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh!t, it takes all morning."
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
I just heard they have developed a powdered form of Viagra that you can put into your tea or coffee. It dosn't help with prowess in the bedroom but it stops your biscuits going soft.
I was at the pub last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.
although this is not a joke, or particularly funny for that matter, it does have a certain irony to it.
i got it from wikipedia. remind you of anybody you know at work or in public office?
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Personality disorders
[edit] Executives
In 2005, psychologists Belinda Board and Katarina Fritzon at the University of Surrey, UK, interviewed and gave personality tests to high-level British executives and compared their profiles with those of criminal psychiatric patients at Broadmoor Hospital in the UK. They found that three out of eleven personality disorders were actually more common in executives than in the disturbed criminals, they were:
They described these business people as successful psychopaths and the criminals as unsuccessful psychopaths.[23]
- Histrionic personality disorder: including superficial charm, insincerity, egocentricity and manipulation
- Narcissistic personality disorder: including grandiosity, self-focused lack of empathy for others, exploitativeness and independence.
- Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: including perfectionism, excessive devotion to work, rigidity, stubbornness and dictatorial tendencies.
According to leading leadership academic Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries, it seems almost inevitable these days that there will be some personality disorders in a senior management team.[24]
[edit] Psychopathy
A workplace bully or abuser will often have issues with social functioning. These types of people often have psychopathic traits that are difficult to identify in the hiring and promotion process. These individuals often lack anger management skills and have a distorted sense of reality. Consequently, when confronted with the accusation of abuse, the abuser is not aware that any harm was done.[25]
Robert Hare and Paul Babiak discuss psychopathy and workplace bullying thus:[26]
"Bullies react aggressively in response to provocation or perceived insults or slights. It is unclear whether their acts of bullying give them pleasure or are just the most effective way they have learned to get what they want from others. Similar to manipulators, however, psychopathic bullies do not feel remorse, guilt or empathy. They lack insight into their own behaviour, and seem unwilling or unable to moderate it, even when it is to their own advantage. Not being able to understand the harm they do to themselves (let alone their victims), psychopathic bullies are particularly dangerous.""Of course, not all bullies are psychopathic, though this may be of little concern to their victims. Bullies come in many psychological and physical sizes and shapes. In many cases, 'garden variety' bullies have deep seated psychological problems, including feelings of inferiority or inadequacy and difficulty in relating to others. Some may simply have learned at an early stage that their size, strength, or verbal talent was the only effective tool they had for social behaviour. Some of these individuals may be context-specific bullies, behaving badly at work but more or less normally in other contexts. But the psychopathic bully is what he is: a callous, vindictive, controlling individual with little or no empathy or concern for the rights and feelings of the victim, no matter what the context."[edit] Narcissism
Further information: Malignant narcissism
In 2007, researchers Catherine Mattice and Brian Spitzberg at San Diego State University, USA, also found that: "Narcissism revealed a small significant positive relationship with bullying and was found to be significantly related to indirect bullying tactics rather than direct tactics. Narcissism also revealed a strong relationship with overall bullying motivation and a moderate relationship with bullying satisfaction."[27]
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standing on a bridge
watching water rushing under-
neath it must have been much harder
when there was no bridge just water
this actually happened today. cracked me up. went on a gold coast fishing charter and after the skipper told us about where we were going etc was about to leave when one of the fellas said :"where are the jackets?" to which the skipper replied: "we dont provide jackets." lmao... i think he means life jackets mate. "oh, um, yeah, up front and life raft on roof".
fishing's as simple as 3 P's - patience, perserverance and PLASTIC!
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the
husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?
"Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.
Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years,
but always for a good reason.
"Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said,
"I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'
" Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we
were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next
day he notified you that the loan would be extended?
"Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.
You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked,
"And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money
to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry.
"And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that.
Now tell me about the third time."
"All right", Martha said.
"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club,
and you needed 73 more votes?"
What could go wrong.......................
2012 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real b*tch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
What could go wrong.......................
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
What could go wrong.......................
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
What could go wrong.......................
Ellisville Mississippi, April 12, 2011
An Ellisville school teacher called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
What could go wrong.......................
Australia's recent ex Prime Minister, and perhaps soon-to-be-again Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and went into one of the classrooms. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin (the saviour of working families) if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So Kevin (the saviour of working families) asked the class for an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the paddock and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy". "No", said Kevin (the saviour of working families) "that would actually be a man-resultant accident rather than a tragedy in terms of the words you've used".
A little girl raises her hand,"If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy". I'm afraid not", explained Kevin (the saviour of working families) "that's what we would call a great loss, some would say a countless loss but as you've mentioned the number fifty, we can no longer say it is countless, but it is nevertheless nothing more than a great loss".
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin (the saviour of working families) scanned the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, young Jack raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, "If a plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to pieces, that would be a tragedy". "Fantastic", exclaimed Kevin (the saviour of working families). "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?". "Well" says Jack, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it wouldn't be an accident either!".
DISCLAIMER, The above is a joke an in no way intended to indicate any political allignment on my behalf. They're all going to do a bad job of it !
Funny One
Road Runner.jpg
Pushing the Right Buttons
Welcome to the Psychiatrists' Telephone Hotline.
Please hold on and follow these instructions:
* If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.
* For advice on paranoia, we know who you are and what you really want - stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If your problem is schizophrenia, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
* And if you are delusional, press hash immediately and stand away from the receiver before it bites your ear.
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with royally large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .......
Moral of the story - Pay your f...kin' bills.
What could go wrong.......................
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
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