Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[tunaticer]

I went fishing the other day. I caught a nice one. but I didn't keep it. But I did take a picture of it. I sent the film in to be developed and the negative weighed 90 pounds!!!!!

[tunaticer]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gradershould know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'



Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!



Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'



Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'



Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'



The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'



Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'



Harry: 'Firetruck'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

[groverwa]

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

















Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguinson the ice in Antarctica where do they go?


Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committedto its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."



Then, they kick him in the ice hole.




You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool
OLDpeople.




I am sorry, the devilmade me do it!!!

[groverwa]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[groverwa]

For a bit of a giggle but with a couple of swear words have a look at http://www.ihateryanair.org/ryanair-...wont-fly-them/ Hitler is having a rant about Ryan Air

[Raesen]

Marriage Counseling

After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

[Kero]

A circus owner runs an adfor a lion tamer and two people show up.
>
> One is a retired Golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
> gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
>
> The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
>
> This is one ferocious lion.
>
> He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
>
> Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
>
> Who wants to try out first?"
>
> The girl says, "I'll go first."
>
> She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right
> into the lion's cage.
>
> The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
>
> About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her
> beautiful naked body.
>
> The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her
> and starts licking her feet and ankles.
>
> He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several
> minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
>
> The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
>
> He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
>
> He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you topthat?"
>
> The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion
> out of there."

[BobbyJ123]

I got to thinking today,


Socrates was poisoned,


Julius Caesar was stabbed,


Napoleon died in exile,


Abraham Lincoln was shot,


Gandhi was shot,

Kevin Rudd was Gillardteened.

[Gon Fishun]

After their boat sinks, two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub.
SHAZAM.....out pops a genie!
"For releasing me from the bottle I will grant you one wish."
The guy glances at his mate, smiles and without further hesitation says, "I wish the whole ocean was beer!"
The genie claps his hands together and BOOM, there's a blinding light and the genie is gone. The guy quickly leans over the side of the boat and takes a big swig of "water".
"You're not gonna believe this mate, but it's really beer!"
His mate screws up his face and says "That's just bloody brilliant mate! Now we’are going to have to piss in the boat!!”

[Chimo]

Three aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:


Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..
As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.


'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'


'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.


'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."


She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'


Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Queenslanders are good at that sensitive stuff.

[Chimo]

Wedding Night


Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.


He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay."
The doctor told him" "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.†He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.


Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth
That night in the motel, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."


Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ....still in DA CRATE!"

[Lucky_Phill]

> >
> > . You know you're Australian when:
> >
> > You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn.
> >
> > You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
> > something illegal such as watering the garden.
> >
> > You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs'
> > refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
> >
> > You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
> >
> > You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
> >
> > You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
> > Maccas'.
> >
> > You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly
> > despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
> >
> > You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
> >
> > You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
> >
> > You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as
>
> > big as its $2 coin.
> >
> > You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy
> > Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
> >
> > You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread -
> > you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
> >
> > You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,
>
> > at which point they again become Kiwis.
> >
> > Beetroot with your Hamburger... of course!
> >
> > You wear ugg boots outside the house.
> >
> > You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an
> > Australian but then sold off for a pittance.
> >
> > You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like
> > them. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order
> > takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
> >
> > You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always
>
> > polite.
> >
> > You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
> >
> > You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and
>
> > a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.
> >
> > Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach
>
> > cricket.
> >
> > You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call
> > 'Anzac Cookies'.
> >
> > You still think of Kylie as 'that girl from Neighbours'.
> >
> > When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to
>
> > offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
> >
> > You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o":
> > arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko,
> > speedo, righto, goodo etc...
> >
> > You know that there is a universal place called 'woop woop' located in the
>
> > middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
> >
> > You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes
> > like piss.
> >
> > You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume.
> >
> > You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean
> > "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it then you really mean it.
> >
> > You know that the barbecue is a political arena.
> >
> > You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
> >
> > You understand what no wucking furries means. You've drank your
> > tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
> >
> > You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.
> >
> > And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and
> > overseas, realising that only they will understand.

[wags on the water]

NEW WORDS AND PHRASES FOR 2012

BROFESSIONAL: Your perpetually single friend who is always available for a night of debauchery with otherwise married, stay-at-home types.
TESTICULATING: Waving your arms around while talking bollocks.
CARNIVOYEUR: A vegetarian (or vegan) who digs watching others chomp on cooked flesh.
SINBAD: Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
FREDDY COUGAR: A scary, middle-aged (or older) woman who mistakenly thinks she's more desirable than she actually is.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
FREEBOOBING: The act of wearing a tight blouse sans bra. Think of it as the female equivalent of a man's freeballing.
INEPTOCRACY: A government or state ruled by people who are incompetent.
MILLENNIUM DOMES: The contents of a Wonderbra. IE. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.
KARDASHIANED: Coined following the 72 day marriage of Kim Kardashian to Kris Humphries, it means the act of being blindsided following an ill-advised wedding.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
RECYCLEOPATH: Person who is militant when it comes to recycling and goes apeshit when you accidentally forget to separate one lousy plastic water bottle from a bag of trash.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
TEBOWING: Idiotic move of getting down on one knee in order to 'speak' to some imaginary 'friend'. Primarily used by egotistical athletes who think deities give a crap about some pass or play.
SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
HUMBLEBRAG: An ostensibly humble comment that also demonstrates the person's wealth, fame, or importance.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake).
SITCOM'S: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.
BRIGHTSIZING: Corporate downsizing in which the brightest workers are let go.
AEROPLANE BLONDE: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the world wide web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OH-NO SECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just Made a BIG mistake.
GREYHOUND: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
TART FUEL: Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
PICASSO BUM: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

[Chimo]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/kPvciIdDZAE

[PADDLES]

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local biker's club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club .

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly,whiskey when I'm shooting pool..

I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney.

At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"


The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz...?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times...."