Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[lucee81]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her

Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it

as a
mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! '

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

[Marlin_Mike]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Blanche fell out,



But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[littlejim]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 18 hour day, does 95% of the work, earns less than £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[akman1]

Patrick walks into abar in Dublin,

Orders three pints ofGuinness & sits in thecorner of the room,

Drinking a sip out ofeach pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrickreplies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home,we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all dranktogedder."

The barman admits thatthis is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes aregular customer, & alwaysdrinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip outof each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comesin & orders just two pints.

All the other regularsin the bar notice! & fall silent.

When he goes back tothe bar for the second round,

The barman says,"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confusedfor a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," hesays, "Bejesus,everyone is fine !

Tis me, ......................I've
Quit Drinking !"

[Lucky_Phill]

Three good old country boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The cowboy from Mudgee fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The logger from Gunnedah reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Narrabri farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Cocky replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[Oh Gee]

A young Irish lad takes his new girlfriend to meet his father for the first time. They get inside the front door and the father askes "And who's dis sweet young ting wit you? The lad says "Dis is Amanda". The old blokes face reddens and he growls back "It's a fooken what!"

[wayno60]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People -- Why?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another Petrol station lavvie because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $2500.

Morning suit hire-$125.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $4.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Greaser and Stinker

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £38.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,

secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing forever!

[wayno60]

htfpfz1321494676.jpg

yep thats the way i would have spelt it.

[wayno60]

Was sitting outside a mcdonalds playground today. A women walks up and asks which one is yours? I looked at her and said "not sure i haven't picked one yet "

[finga]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner, for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit. The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?" The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?" "Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?"
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a darn thing!"

[groverwa]

Monastic Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.








He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.






The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery




where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a lockedvault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours goby and nobody sees the Old Abbot.



So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.










"We missed the




R!"

"We missed the




R!"






"We missed the R!"




His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.









The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"








With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,






"The word was...













CELEBRATE!"

[finga]

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher... I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.....

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 euros a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 euros a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[nigelr]

There are three 'dolls' in a man's life -
His daughter, baby doll
His girlfriend, barbie doll
and his wife, panadoll.............

[tunaticer]

A south texan woodpecker decided to visit some of his kinfolks. He flew up
to Abilene and was chewing the fat with his cousins. You know the best
wood to peck, the best grubs to eat, etc. One of the cousins said we
have a tree that will tax your beak. So they went to the tree and after
5 attempts he made a hole. All the peckers were amazed because they had
not been able to dent it! The next morning he flew on north, this time
stopping at Amarillo. some more of the same conversations and then the
challenge to peck a hole in their hardest tree. 4 pecks and he had
it! He left another group of amazed kinfolks. The next stop he made
was in Nebraska. The story was the same except it only took 3 pecks
to drill the tree that none of the locals could dent!~ So off he flew
to Wisconsin Had another same old same old but their tree only held
out for two pecks . He left amazement in His wake again. On to North
Dakota! His visit there was also a success! his kinfolks took him to
their ironwood tree and he zipped through it like a hot tongued teenager
through ice cream! And so it was time to return home to South Texas.
He got back safe and sound. He was bragging about how he put all his
northern cousins to shame by drilling their tough trees so easily. A
nephew said well uncle let's see what you can do with our old mesquite
in back. So he flew up to it, got a firm grip and gave it all he
had.......nothing....nada.....no penetration at all! he tried again and
again he couldn't make a dent in it. He worked at it from dawn to dusk
and still had no luck!
All of which proves the moral to this story. .......
THE FURTHER AWAY FROM HOME YOU ARE THE HARDER YOUR PECKER GETS!!!!!!

[tunaticer]

Women's Liberation Conference
The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last
year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington,
that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it
himself!
"After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day,I saw
nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful
roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker, from Russia, stood up and said. "After last
years' conference I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no
longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothning but
on the third day I saw that he had done not only his washing but my
washing as well." The crowd again cheered.
The third speaker, a Cajun lady from Thibodaux, Lousiana, stood up
and said,
"Afta last years' conference, went rat home and tole dat lazy Coonass
husband ' o mine, Boudreaux, dat I wasdn't gonna do no mo's his cookin',
cleanin' or shoppin' and dat he wuz gonna have do it all fer hissef."
The crowd got to their feet and roared approval. When it became quiet
again she contintued. "And I tole'em I wasn't gonna be doin' no mo
cleanin' 'em nasty crawfeesh, giggin' no mo boolfrogs and water daugs,
skinn' none 'a dem mustrats and nutrias or chek-ck'n no mo catfeesh
trotlines." The crowd went wild - the cheering and clapping lasted for
at least five minutes. When it again became calm, she continued "Afta
the fust day, didn't saw nutin'. Afta the second day, I didn't saw
nuttin' too. But afta the thud day, I could saw a little bit outta my
left eye."