Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[wayno60]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER: Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! —— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!

[Lancair]

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then when my whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly
but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot #######?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge . . . ."



Traffic Ticket - $195.00

Court Costs - $450.00

The look on that cops face as she delivered that final line, PRICELESS !!

[Chimo]

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION THEY HAVE IN THE US CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

[Lancair]

A black traffic cop pulled a western QLD farmer over for speeding.
The farmer pleaded that he wasn't much over the speed limit.
But the cop continued to slowly write out the ticket...
He brushed a fly off his face.
The farmer said, "That sirkelgogga bothering you?"
The cop said, "What's a sirkelgogga?"
The farmer said, "That fly - they circle a horse's arse and we call them
sirkelgoggas."
The cop stopped writing, looked at the farmer, and said, "Are you saying
that I'm a horse's ass?"
The farmer said, "Never! I have a great respect for officers of the law.
I would never think such a thing of one of you blokes"
The cop carried on writing.
After a while the farmer said, "But you can't fool them flies you know"

[finga]

While we're in the bush....another.


A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Lancair]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:
'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian Rugby Team 2011.'

[Lancair]

Not a joke as such but still funny.

http://youtu.be/RS3iB47nQ6E

[MackerelMan]

An oldie but a goldie;

A large Cattle Station in the Gulf was short staff and had a big muster coming up.
When the Head Stockman could not get any more men, he thought of the old hermit who lived down on the river.
In desperation the Head Stockman goes down to the hermit and explains the situtation.
We are real short on help and really need a hand, dont suppose you are a horse shoer the Head Stockman asks,
The old hermit thinks for a while and says, horse shoer hey, no I'm not a horse shoer but I did tell a donkey to f-ck off once!

[Platitudinus]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black d**ks, but the one in the middle had a pink d**k.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpretingthe painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchalsociety. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink d**k also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gaymen in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery’, asked the couple?

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact,there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

[Lancair]

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar........... The Welshman is still in New Zealand.

[Oh Gee]

Q. Whats the differance between Ignorance and Apathy?



A. Don't know, Don't care

[TimiBoy]

Substitute J Gillard, you get the idea...

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"? Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack H. Obama, president of the United States of America." Cashier: "Yes, sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Obama: "I am urging you to please cash this check." Cashier: "Look, sir, here's what we can do. One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his sand wedge and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that you are really the President of the United States?" Obama stood there thinking, and thinking, and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I haven't got a clue." Cashier: "Good enough, sir, Would you like large or small bills?

[Lancair]

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts

[Lancair]

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...

[charleville]

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job.

The sales assistant remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”



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