Reply With QuoteGo to Google Maps
Click on "Get Directions"
Type China as your starting point
Type Taiwan as your destination.
Get directions.
Read step 56
( Bugga.........We could not calculate directions between China and Taiwan. that is what I got ? )
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A man ask's his wife. "What would you do if i won lotto?"
She answers, "I'd probably take half and leave you."
He say's, "Good! I just won 6 bucks, here's 3 now bugger off."
.
Go to Google Maps
Click on "Get Directions"
Type China as your starting point
Type Taiwan as your destination.
Get directions.
Read step 56
( Bugga.........We could not calculate directions between China and Taiwan. that is what I got ? )
.
Last edited by Lucky_Phill; 04-12-2011 at 02:44 PM.
Step 56 is a beauty.
It's good to see people with a sense of humour in this world of doom and gloom.
Thanks Charlie
I intend on living for-ever....so far so good
$hyte, who sits there and does that stuff and reads ALL the directions? Someone needs to go fishing more.
Mike
try going from california to Japan read numbers 23 and 24Originally Posted by charleville
Go to Google Maps
Click on "Get Directions"
Type China as your starting point
Type Taiwan as your destination.
Get directions.
Read step 56
.
IF IT CAN'T EAT A WHOLE PILLY I DON'T WANT IT
I grew up with Greek neighbours who were my good friends so my apologies go to all of my Greek mates for this one, which is clearly politically incorrect and I should be ashamed of myself for sharing it ...
Why do Greeks wear gold chains around their necks??
So they know where to stop shaving.
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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'
Gota love the Darwin awards... Not sure if htese have been posted..
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual
honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby."The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was Major trauma.
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly Management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER IS...
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the proshop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome was asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he can not reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capitalisation.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement.
“Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”
Is everybody clear on that?
An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies
"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies
"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."
The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!
"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.
"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede
There are Six Truths in Life
1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling
at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your
neck .
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .
25Vote
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.
The Lecture
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.
A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?'
The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!'
When my Doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake, barely escaped from a dingo in the heavy bush, marched along a treacherous trail up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of lantanna , crawled out of quicksand, and barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive brown snake."
Inspired by my story, the Doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a sh***y golfer."
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