Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[groverwa]

John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]
John: Morning! Looking for a new car?
Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.
John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?
Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.
John: You mean like a Howard?
Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.
John: So.... you used to have one?
Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I’ve ever made…
John: What happened?
Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.
John: Big mistake…
Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.
John: How was the Kevin 07?
Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.
John: Anything else?
Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.
John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?
Bryan: Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.
John: What was the problem?
Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.
John: Whatcha got now?
Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.
John: The hybrid?
Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse…
John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?
Bryan: The Fustercluck model.
John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?
Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.
John: So that’s why you’re here?
Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a car that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?
John: Join the queue brother.

[Funchy]

Julia Gillard was out walking one morning along the path in Western Park when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the Molongo River below.

Before the Federal Police guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World' Julia said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on in my Royal Australia Air Force plane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.' Julia said,
'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset.'

Julia was a little perplexed by this and said, 'but you don't look like you're handicapped.'
The kid said 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.'

[groverwa]

Are you thinking of buying a boat? Not sure if it's a good and strong boat? Wonder how strong the hull is?



Well have no fear. Now there is the Bubba Test for boats. Some would call this a "Redneck" test.



click here: Tough boatsfis

[Lancair]

A farmer had a problem with rats in his barn so sent for the local rat catcher who duly arrived in a chauffer driven Rolls Royce.
"Business must be good" said the farmer; "Never better" was the answer. "This'll cost you 50p a rat" he said as he started setting up traps.
The rat-catcher came back several times to empty the traps and after several days the traps remained empty as all the rats had been caught.
"One hundred and twenty caught. That'll be £60," the rat catcher said. "Cheap at half the price" said the farmer, "But how can you afford a Rolls at those prices? "
"Simple" said the catcher. "We recycle the rats. The skins go to China for 15p. each and they make them into imitation fur coats. The bones go to a fertilizer company which grinds them down for bone meal - another 10p. The meaty bits go to a dog-food factory for processing and brings in another 10p which just leaves the crap and I sell that to a company making screwdriver handles for a quid a pound."
"Screwdrivers?" asked the farmer.
"Of course" said the catcher, "Have you never seen a ratshit handled screwdriver?"'

[wayno60]

.YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A DOG PERSON TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY. I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay. Do you hear me?Stay! Stay!The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,Why don't you just put the handbrake on'

[groverwa]

THE DOCTOR TOLD ME:



"YOU CAN HAVE JUST ONE CAN of BEER A WEEK!"




SO I ORDERED ONE!

[groverwa]

One New Zealander says to another: "hey bro, what's a Hindu?



"The second New Zealander replies: "lays eggs bro"

[groverwa]

Did you here about the wood cutters daughters?
You could here her ring bark for miles.

She was only a cabinetmaker's daughter....
but she'd let the apprentice router

She was only the woodcutter's daughter,
but she gave them all circular sores.

she mitre
and she mitre knot
but she always gave a rebate!

She did so much routing
that her collet became loose

She was only a carpenters daughter,
But definitely a brazen bit.

she was only the woodcutter's daughter
but she didn't mind if they put finger joints in.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter
but she had lots of vices.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter
but she knew what to do with a big wooden knob.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter
but she could appreciate a long, strong tongue.

She was only the woodcutter's daughter,
but the apprentices got excited when
she got a-shaving between her legs.

She was only a woodcutters daughter,
And it was plane that she wasn't rude,
Cause at the tender age of 20,
She hadn't been routered or screwed.

She was only a woodcutters daughter,
But she married and soon had a son.
Her hubbies name was Winchester,
And her son.... He's a son of a gun.

She was only a woodcutter's daughter
to most she was really just plane
but her boyfriend thought differently
as he taught her to rout without strain

she was only a mechanics daugher
but she sure made your nuts tighten

She was only a woodcutter's daughter
and she didnt mind if you Trititon.

[Floating Rib]

Giving Up Wine



I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive..'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take

you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[Lancair]

The riots are kicking off in Dublin now, Paddy just smashed his computer screen trying to rob ebay.

[sandman55]

Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH.. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TOTHE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID..........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!

[sandman55]

THE DEER HUNTER AND THE DENTIST...

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go
deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time
for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth,
and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty
minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a
very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him.

[Lancair]

Monday morning in Hell, knock on the door, demon opens it, worried and scared-looking bloke standing there.

"Come in, come in" says the demon, "plenty of room in here ! Now firstly, just to make sure you're in the right place. Did you sin a lot when you were alive ?"

"Yes, well I suppose I did" says the guy.

"Well, no need to look so scared" says the demon, " you'll find we have things aranged much to your taste in here" and closes and locks the door.

"Now, did you smoke when you were alive ?"

"Yes" says the guy, "about 4 packs a day."

"Splendid !" says the demon, "today, Monday is our smoking day. Cigarettes, Cigars, Pipes, Hookahs - you name it. As much as you want, every variety of tobacco - all free."

"And did you drink a lot ?"

The answer is yes.

"Well, you'll like Tuesdays - beer, wine, spirits, everything ! You can drink to your heart's content, and even more so."

"And what about drugs ?"

The guy admits he did drugs.

"Wonderful !" says the demon, "Wednesdays we have it all - coke, crystal, meths, pot, uppers, downers - everything that mankind ever devised, and a few he didn't. Pills, injectables, smokeables, all on the house. You'll enjoy them all - in fact we insist on it."

"And what about gambling ?"

"Well, I liked a game of cards" says the guy.

"Thought you might" says the demon, "Thursdays is our gambling Day. Poker, Craps, Whist, every card game there is. Goes on all day, which will seem like Eternity, perhaps because it is."

"And I suppose you are homosexual ?" asks the demon.

"Certainly not !" answers the guy in an insulted manner.

"Oh dear" says the demon, "something tells me you're not going to enjoy Fridays....... "

[groverwa]

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational

..... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge and the
whole place will be full of bloody @ankers.

[groverwa]

The Pastor's New Dentures.



The New Dentures

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The
Congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't shut up