Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[GABBA110360]

SPLINTERS - priceless!

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, WA ....
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in
her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an

environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story

with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he
could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,

and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from

a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.

I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his Green Party policies they turned me down!!"

[Lancair]

Man: Can I buy you a drink ?
Girl: Sure, why not?
Man: Hey you know, you remind me of my little toe !
Girl: "giggles" is that because Im small and cute ?
Man: No, its because Ill probably bang you on my coffee table later tonight !

[finga]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

[Scimitar raider]

Paddy finds Mick in his barn dancing naked," Mick what on earth are you doing?"
"Well" says Paddy "I went to the doc to talk about the marritral problems me and missus were having and he told me to do something sexy to a tractor!"

[finga]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
Worehis collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
Many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
Doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
Went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
Said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
Instead of your collar.'

[finga]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
at him.

She says hello and he's rather taken back because he can't place
where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while
your friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[lucee81]

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.'

[lucee81]

Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly...usually on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.

[lucee81]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'



'It's The Box Office.'

[Lancair]

A young man inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with him: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car..."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said... "Son, you've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said... "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair... John the Baptist had long hair... Moses had long hair… and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

His father replied... "Did you also notice, that they all walked everywhere they went?"

[charleville]

A bloke decides to build a brick fence in front of his house but isn't sure how many pallets of bricks he'll need. So he calls his neighbor, who recently built a similar-size brick fence.

"Steve," he says: "I'm building a fence the same size as yours. How many pallets of bricks did you get?"

"10," Steve answers.

So the guy buys 10 pallets and proceeds to build a beautiful fence. When he finishes, he's surprised to find he only used four of the pallets.

"Hey, Steve," he says over the fence: "I just finished building my fence, and I've got six pallets of bricks left over."

"Yep," says Steve: "So did I."

It pays to ask the right question.



.

[blackjew]

5 Passengers4 Parachutes...

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.







The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one.The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.






The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartestwoman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.




The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, "I'm the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped





The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."



The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a parachute left for you. Australias smartest woman took my schoolbag!

[blackjew]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgFhJN4H0T0

[blackjew]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDV7cev5i6U

[littlejim]

I don't use twitter but there are a few wags on it apparently.