Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Lancair]

Pat and Mick decide to spend the weekend fishing. They go off to a large lake and hire a boat for the day. After an hour and not even a bite Pat says “let’s move the boat”, so they move it further down the lake. Another hour passes and still no bites so they decide to move it across the other side of the lake. Within seconds the fish are taking everything. They finally take the boat back having had a great day.
Pat says to Mick” we’ll never find that spot tomorrow”.
That’s OK says Mick “I put a cross in the bottom of the boat”.
“You idiot” says Pat, “we may not get the same boat!”

[TimiBoy]

Children write about the Sea

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James, age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne , age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie, age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an ass hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William ,age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen, age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren, age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma, age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie, age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

One holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie, age 7)

[Lancair]

Carlos the ice-cream man’s van is parked at the side of the road.

Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street.

But no sign of Carlos.


A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is Carlos?

Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?

He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter.

On the floor he spots Carlos, lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.



"Get back kids" he shouts.


Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the station.

"Sarge get someone down here quick" he stutters

"Carlos the ice-cream man .........



He’s topped himself !"

[Lancair]

I was gutted to catch my wife cheating on me, but thankfully by turning to religion I have been able to over come my distress and deal with the situation.. she's agreed to convert with me, we have turned muslim, we are stoning the bitch in the morning.

[aussiebasser]

I have always been interested in the night sky so I decided to go buy a telescope. I did some research on the internet and found a store nearby that sells them. I went in looking to buy a Celestron model for $130 that was able to see the surface of the moon. The saleswoman that I dealt with must have been working on commission and immediately tried to upsell me. She told me I wouldn't be happy with that one and that I should spend $319 on the next model up so I could see Jupiter and the rings of Saturn. So I said to her, you're telling me the more I spend the more I'll see? She said, "Absolutley"
So I went over to another model that was $1092. I asked, "If I spend this much can I see Uranus?"

[Tezza@Tannum]

Paddy and Mick were waiting at the bus stop when atruck wentpast loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, "I'm gonna do dat whenIwin da lottery…"

"What's dat, den?" asks Mick.


"Send me lawn away to be cut."

[groverwa]

Here are the words from an audio email doing the rounds.

Most people have got a few plastic stacker chairs at their place. You know, the plastic ones that have the little splits in the seat. What you probably don’t realise is that when you sit on them, those splits open up, cos that’s happenin underneath ya bum and you don’t see, and when you stand up they close up again.

But they can be a bit tricky those chairs. And I’ve written this poem about a person who got into a bit of strife with a plastic stacker chair and I’ve called the poem ‘Entrapment’. And the expanded title is ‘The Terrifying But Tragically True Tale Of Trevor’s Trapped Testicle’.

Trevor’s on a mission, to Consumer Affairs,
Trying to get a total ban on plastic stacker chairs.
He reckons that they’re dangerous, a serious threat to life.
Cos it was through a plastic chair that he got into strife.

It was at the Tamworth Festival, a concert in the park,
Trev and Ken were there with gear to last them until dark.
An esky full of coldies, Trev was without a care,
Stubbies, thongs and T-shirt, on his plastic stacker chair.

But as he stretched his legs out, his left crown jewel rolled free,
And dropped straight through the chair seat, a real catastrophe.
But Trevor remained unaware of his dire situation,
Until they gave the singer a big standing ovation.

As Trevor came up to his feet he gave a fearsome yell,
Cos tethered to his testicle, the chair came up as well.
He grabbed the chair with both hands as they crashed back to the ground,
But the errant family jewel was firmly stuck, he quickly found.

He tried to extract the enclosed clod, but he began to curse,
Cos nothing he did seemed to work, it only made things worse.
Trev’s mate Ken was laughing, fit to go right off his brain,
Ken’s tears were from laughter but Trevor’s were from pain.

Ken produced a Stanley knife, and Trevor’s went dry,
He said, “I’ll only cut the chair,” but Trevor wouldn’t let him try.
Well, Ken climbed under and tried to poke things through,
It’s times like this you find out what ya mates will really do.

They pulled and poked and prodded, but all efforts were in vain,
Trevor’s nut was red and raw, and giving heaps of pain.
All this unwanted attention was no good you realise,
Trevor’s tortured testicle swelled up to twice it’s size.

Well, the word spread quickly through the park about the situation,
And people tried to get a glimpse of Trevor’s threatened castration.
Mums and Dads and kids and dogs, of every shape and age,
Trev got more attention then the singer on the stage.

Little kids were pointing, dogs were trying to have a smell,
and Trevor, trying to cover up, said, “Go to bloody hell*!”
“Poor bloke needs an icepack,” was the only good advice,
They sat Trev over his esky with his agate in the ice.

Someone called an ambulance, and they drove through the crowd,
Trev was drinking Bundy Rum and swearing very loud.
When they both stopped laughing, they carted Trev away,
To the hospital where he became the highlight of the day.

But Trevor’s near recovered, with both crown jewels in place,
Don’t offer him a plastic chair if you value your face.
But next year at the carnival, Trevor will be there,
Wearing tight undies, long trousers, on his canvas fold-out chair.

[finga]

Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong , Victoria , and bought a mule for $100.


The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.."



Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."



The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."



They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."



The farmer asked, "What in the world youse gunna do with a dead mule?"



Dad said, "We're gunna raffle him off."


The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"



Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gunna do."

Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Dave said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Dad & Dave now work for the Gillard government.
They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan now

[Funchy]

A classic. Hope my upload works. Still getting used to the process

[Lancair]

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says:
"I agree completely......
....and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".

[Lancair]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed the chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed into a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake, you see; I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing up a blue streak at him. I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do?" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me To Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

[finga]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll
not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll
be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He
falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the
stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls
flat on his face,
'Shoite
Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door
and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes
a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He
takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the
stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes
a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and
falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned .... . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

[Chimo]

Scotsman's Chilli

A hungry but penniless bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke
bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Aye,
ye can gae richt aheid."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the
bowl.

The old Jock says, "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[charleville]

My next door neighbour, a rather large woman, has just had a
pair of her knickers stolen from her clothes line.

She is not bothered about the knickers but would appreciate
the return of the twelve pegs please.



.

[Funchy]

http://www.videobash.com/video_show/...bloopers-15166