Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[Chimo]

Who said Bankers are smart........


A Redneck from Arkansas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished Alumni from the University of Arkansas , a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The good 'ole Arkansas boy replied, Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

His name was BUBBA..

[Chimo]

Thursday's action ........

Says a lot for seat belts and roll cages.


CLICK ONTO http://vimeo.com/20247765 Turn up the volume and enjoy.

[finga]

An acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...


A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge
heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,
sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The priest fainted

[Chimo]

This is an example of a male trying to sort out the logic of a female.
Good luck with that!


Buying Milk

I had to read this twice... Male logic at its best!

A wife says to her engineer husband, "Could you please go to the
store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs".

[aussiefool]

If you have one of those smart phone thingie's with Auto Correct you better have a look at this site, or just to have a good laugh

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

[TimiBoy]

A Lay-off letter from an excellent boss.

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organisation, I have resigned myself to the fact that Julia Gillard is our Prime Minister and that our insurance costs, taxes and government fees have increased and obviously will continue to increase in a BIG way. This is the Labor way.To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by at least 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty either 'Vote Labor or Kevin 007' bumper stickers displayed on our employees' cars. The board has decided these are the ones that we will let go. We can't think of a fairer way to approach this problem. They voted for change...... and now they are getting it.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

[Chimo]

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one .........





A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

[groverwa]

Subject: Planking

Everyone and his/ her dog is doing it

[TimiBoy]

A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far
too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this:- Have you had
any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a
Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats.
Then I voted for Peter Beattie, Anna Bligh, Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard.
"How am I doing so far?"

[finga]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from
the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never
came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The police came to an Irishman's front door holding a picture of his wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, he answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
He said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[finga]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked asaircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in thehangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel andgetabuzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane boozeand get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good hefeels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feelthis morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

[Chimo]

Blond Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it’s like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor-home with her.

So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, - "Now go to town cowboy... ".

And here I am.

[finga]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”

The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold



on to when I pull your tooth."

[Kero]

This isn't a joke but is well worth a look.
Whoever did this is an editing genius.
Turn on sound and turn it up! Enjoy!

"Footloose"

[Chimo]

The Dark Side Of Women !

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be in your care!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'