Joke of the Day - Please keep them G Rated

[groverwa]

Mechanical Problem
A woman told her mechanic, "Sometimes, when I have friends in my car, a terrible smell occurs -- but it never happens when I'm alone."
The intrigued mechanic suggested he take a ride with her.
Off they went, through a red light, 100 k.p.h. through a school zone, the wrong way down a one-way street, swerving, hitting curbs, narrowly missing pedestrians, and blowing past a policeman so close he nearly flipped his motorcycle.
Finally, she said: "There it is! That's the smell I was tell you about. Do you smell it?"
The shaking mechanic stammered, "Smell it? Lady, I'm sitting in it!"

[STUIE63]

FIRST TIME SEX


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.


The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

[STUIE63]

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Catholic priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!

[Camhawk88]

The perfect wife

No. The perfect wife would be holding the brolly as well to allow unencubered drinking.

[Chong]

THE SENSITIVITY OF SENIORS..

This letter was sent to the LionsBay School Principal's office in West Geelong after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today
Dear Lions Bay School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Edna

[sandman55]

The Night Watchman

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two (2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,"

So they laid off the night watchman.

[finga]

Two AFL are in a locker room taking a shower after their training session in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first AFL player. 'It is permanently stuck in my butt.

'I do not understand,' said the other.

The first AFL player says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

'No sh!t?' Says the first dope...I mean AFL player

[groverwa]

Great news for Qantas!-Rolls Royce cures their engine glitch

[mowerman]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons

and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy relied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

Right now, he can't do either."


.

[littlejim]

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.
"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer....
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the toliet and squeeze the door closed behind them.
When the collector comes around taking tickets, he knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens a crack and an arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The collector takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique.
At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!
"How in hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one toilet and the three engineers cram into the other.
Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and knocks on the other toilet door.

"Ticket, please!"

[charleville]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Australian, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Canadian, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a New Zealander, a Frenchman, a Chinaman, a Fijian and an African all went to a night club together.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."




.

[Chimo]

Walking Eagle



On a recent trip to the United States, Julia Gillard, Prime Minister of Australia, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for Australia .

At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Ms Gillard then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Ms Gillard.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

[finding_time]

Not worth post twice!

[finding_time]

Shipwrecked


A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
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So they burried Debbie!

[finga]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "